Welcome back to Waters on Outer Banks — the recap series where I make 70-year-old pop culture references about Netflix’s streaming sensation. It is a great business model and one that is sure to win over as wide an audience as possible.
I’ve been watching this third season of Outer Banks while visiting friends in various sections of the eastern United States. While I’m sure downloading episodes to an iPad robs the show of its grandeur, something is added by watching each episode in a new, slightly foreign location.
Generally the situation is the same. Everyone goes to bed, and I stay up to write. This isn’t really unique. If I have one true constant, it is that I stay up and write. What’s interesting is that this season of Outer Banks especially feels like it’s constantly racing from one location to the next to see if past relationships still hold up. This feels interesting coming off the worst periods of the pandemic.
The question is “Is this something that the show is doing intentionally?” Or did an algorithm pinpoint the moments when a change of scenery is most effective in terms of viewer retention? I don’t know. But I do know everyone is asleep. So it’s time to watch TV and write.
This episode begins with a montage of John B’s relationship with his father, once thought to be dead. The two reunite in an old church in a scene that is color-graded Sicario Orange. Dad B apologizes to his son for “the Houdini act,” but if there is one thing I know about Houdini, it is definitely how he died.
The father-son reunion is cut short, as the two must escape from a squad of evil henchmen. John B realizes that his friends are Gone B. Reaching them by phone, he orders his pals back to the Outer Banks, but instead he calls it the “OBX” because even in moments of great danger and emotional duress, the brand must be maintained.
Dad B takes his son back to his hideout, which he calls the “spider hole.” Big Saddam Hussein energy there. Dad B loads a gun while saying things like taking down “the big kahuna” and “all the marbles” are on the line.
It was like this when my dad got roped into that pyramid scheme. We never did sell enough supplements to use the timeshare, but I did get to spend some weekend afternoons in hotel conference rooms hearing about the “foolproof system.”
Back at the Cameron home, Ward stirs from his coma. He asks where Rafe is. We then cut to Rafe pulling off the least convincing con ever committed to film. He promises a tourist in a local market that he operates a nearby custom jewelry store. He then steals his Tommy Bahama hat and wallet and uses the ID to board a cruise ship.
But couldn’t he just go back to the Cameron home? Where is everyone at? At this point, I need a Game of Thrones map laying out all the various landmarks.
Stopping at an antique store, Dad B retrieves an ancient idol that may potentially lead to El Dorado. Meanwhile, I googled “detecting gold with satelite” — yes, I spelled it wrong — and there were tons of shit that turned up. I feel like a smarter character should have suggested this. But also a smarter character wouldn’t really believe in a mythical golden city. Maybe that’s why it’s lost. Here’s a Venn diagram I made.
Anyway, Singh and his goons arrive at the antique store, but John B and his dad once again escape a hail of gunfire. They abscond on a boat, and in celebration, down shots while Dad B details his survival story. Apparently he was apprehended by Singh’s men and and used to decipher clues leading to the… sigh… golden city of El Dorado.
I hate that they have rooted this very serious, lethal villain in his all-consuming quest for a mythical city MADE OF GOLD. It’s like if Anton Chigurh was captive-bolt stunning folks so he could find the Rainbow Connection.
John B reveals to his father that he is married… to the daughter of the man who betrayed him. But wait. The show subverts our expectations, and Dad B is just appreciative that his son went for it relationship-wise. That’s fun. I like when this show actually takes a beat to let its characters be characters. Otherwise it is just documenting the transport of various youths throughout the Caribbean.
We also get a lovely sequence of scenes between Pope and Cleo. They hit a lick at a convenience store and then commiserate about failed relationships. Pope does a fake Jamaican accent, but stops short of calling someone a bombaclaat. This is a missed opportunity.
Again, it’s nice to see actors on the show given the chance to breathe a bit. I may also mean that literally since this season has been a sprint. It’s good to get a sense that these characters are real and not just bulletproof teenyboppers with excellent cardio.
But all that aside, Rafe is having to explain to his dad about all the shit he’s done during the coma. This is clearly meant to serve as a counterpoint to the reunion between John B and his father. It’s not. But it’s good to see intent wherever we can find it.
Ward supports his son emotionally, which is a welcomed surprise. Someone, anyone really, should realize that Rafe needs to calm down before it becomes a public safety issue. Rafe seems very much like he’s ready to take us off the grid, so maybe let’s say he did a good job today.
Ward asks Rafe to head back home to the Outer Banks to close out the family’s affairs. “That’s not our home anymore,” Ward says. Rafe handles this news as well as you’d expect. And by that I mean like a man trying to make his insides his outsides out of pure rage.
John B and his dad arrive back to their dilapidated home, and for some reason John B doesn’t hate his dad for ruining his life because of some obsessive search for lost treasure. I would think that maybe it is more important to raise your child than search for El Dorado. But what do I know? I have neither child nor treasure.
Anyway, John B dreams that his dad attempts to murder him, but he wakes up and Sarah is back. She has no purpose this season because she was filming Glass Onion and getting ready to ditch this shit.
Sarah doesn’t immediately believe that John B’s dad is alive because — as I’ve said before — John B is Salt Life Hamlet. The episode ends with our characters questioning the existence of John B’s dad, but let me assure you: It doesn’t matter. He is only as alive or dead as the show needs him to be to get to the next idol or McGuffin or giant golden cross.
So that’s it for this episode. We’re all heading back to where the show started. All the main characters will have to once again inform their parents that they are still alive. We see a lot of that in this show. “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated,” they could say. That’s a fun, century-old expression. Anyway, until next time, this has been Dustin, existing in between various states.
