Welcome back, y’all. It’s Outer Banks time. We’re on episode two, “The Bells.” My favorite part of this new season is that the show makes sure you know that no one on this beautiful cast of main characters has bathed in over a month, yet the show still ogles them because we’re all a bunch of thirsty little mud grubs. Suck it up, filth queens.
I was on the phone with my little sister this week and she described Outer Banks as the “show where too much happens,” which is dead on. Outer Banks is the exquisite corpse method of storytelling if it was directed by Michael Bay. It’s the William S. Burroughs cut-up technique brought to you by Bret Ratner. It’s like playing Uncharted, but you also have the disease from Momento.
This episode we return to The Compound, where Ki and Rafe are being held captive. Ki looks over from the bed to see Rafe sleeping on the floor, and I one hundred percent guarantee you it’s not because he’s a gentleman. As someone who also does their share of floor sleeping, I can tell you it is because that man is damaged. The dude is busted in the head, and it’s fantastic.
John B and the Gang are hiding out in a crumbling hotel until they hatch a plan to free Ki from the sinister Kingfish, Mr. Singh. JJ reveals that he stole a phone from the late Jimmy Portis, and it remarkably doesn’t have a passcode. Like, there isn’t even a clever workaround here. JJ just says it doesn’t have a passcode, and the plot races forward in an attempt to leave this incredible convenience in the dust.
They find Singh listed as “Kingfish” in the phone, and I’ve got to say: Is there a single event in this season that has not been propelled by the character of Jimmy? Are we going to match a constellation that leads to El Dorado to Jimmy’s back freckles? Jimmy’s been dead for one day, and he is still the only thing moving this story along.
Anyway, Singh is delivering a speech about his destiny — everybody’s destiny is a big thing on this show — when he receives a text from Jimmy’s phone claiming that he has captured John B. Knowing that Jimmy is dead, Singh rallies the troops and they head off to see if his paramilitary force can overtake five teenagers. If this was Fortnite or who is best at active shooter drills, I’d bet on the teens. Sadly, it is not.
Ki is returned to the holding room where she and Rafe have a heart to…
Rafe does that thing where he slaps at his head and sways back and forth like Mankind and a distressed elephant. They both decide to do a team-up. This is great. Whatever gives me more scenes of Rafe trying to converse with someone who isn’t also about to spontaneously combust. What I’m saying is the actor who plays Rafe does so as if Rafe is the sun and the sun is aware that it is constantly on fire.
Back at the hideout of John B and the Gang, our heroes manage to disarm two highly trained guards using the power of shenanigans. John B attempts a hostage swap, but wait… Singh brought more than two people.
What are these characters thinking? That the gold-hungry kingpin sent his two best friends in to apprehend the teens. Also why would you think only two guys are coming in? Singh’s trying to take hostages, not back up Nat King Cole.
Despite all this, the Gang escapes because Outer Banks is just A Hard Day’s Night but with machine guns. Doubling down on this, Ki and Rafe also escape. This involves Rafe stealing a page out of Hamlet as he puts on an antic disposition and pretends to murder Ki. This attracts the attention of a guard, who they immediately disarm and restrain. This is the flag football version of hostage taking.
Ki and Rafe manage to make it to his boat, which he promises to use to get them to safety. But wait, Ki shoves Rafe overboard, thus justifying his all-consuming paranoia. This man is going to emerge with Super Shredder levels of rage.
Ki and the Gang reunite. This gets a big celebration, but it’s time to address the bells in the episode title. Throughout the episode, John B’s estranged dad has been using the nearby church bells to try to summon his son. As a reminder, John B’s dad has joined forces with the woman who wants to find a magical cloth to cure her chronic illness. As viewers, I guess we just accept this without any sort of analysis or justification. North is north and the mystical cloth woman is still around.
John B races to the church as his pals are chased off by Singh’s henchmen. Arriving at the cathedral, John B pauses to pray that his father is still alive and they will soon be reunited. Then they can track down the gold cross that will guide them to the golden city of El Dorado.
See?! What is any of this? It’s like being beaten over the head by a Rube Goldberg machine while Mumford & Sons plays in the background. I, honestly, can’t wait for the John B and Dad B reunion scene. I’ve been writing about this show for how many years? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
