Y’all. I’m back. Back for more Outer Banks. Just when I thought I was Outer, they pull me back Banks.
I haven’t started the new season yet. But I swear to all that is good and right in the world that if I hit play and these kids are thriving on this deserted island, I am going to lose my mind.
Now, I’m not going to make this into a “Back in my day” rant, because today’s youth are more capable than previous generations in any number of ways. If it was a question of setting up a WiFi network on the island or navigating a nuanced social structure where we’re less defined by gender norms, then these teenagers would have my full confidence.
But season two decided to end with the Outer Banks crew stranded on an island with no supplies. So unless we get a flashback to when they received their Navy Seals training, season three needs to settle that issue quickly.
Now I’ve hit Play, and we get a quick little montage to previous seasons. Cool. Cool. Pogues and Kooks, rich and poor. That’s still a big thing. Seems like it’d matter less when you’re stranded on the island. Doesn’t really matter how rich anyone is when there’s no potable water, but whatever.
OK, here we go. The episode has started in proper. We’re still stranded. That’s to be expected. And… goddammit they’ve gone full Gilligan’s Island.
They have a set of checkers made out of seashells. JJ drew them a “Poguelandia” flag with a charred stick. He loves it. He’s in paradise. When the clothes rot off his back, he’ll just wear the flag he made until it becomes toilet paper.
Also, it’s not clear how long they’ve been stranded — somewhere around a month maybe — but it’s long enough to start making board games and dreamcatchers. And of course everyone looks great. We don’t need to brush our teeth. We don’t need any Noxzema or sunscreen. We just need class consciousness and island vibes.
After about 15 minutes of Survivor: Outer Banks, the gang manages to signal a passing plane. Pilot Jimmy is super chill about discovering American castaways in the middle of nowhere. He offers them rum and a ride to civilization, but wait: something tells John B that their jovial rescuer is not on the level.
You have to give some respect to the Outer Banks writers room. They could have spent a multi-episode arc trying to depict the gripping tale of how our cast made it off the island through grit, wits, and determination.
Or they could just have Jimmy show up.
Catching back up with Sarah’s family, we see that Ward is still in a coma, and Rafe is still crazier than a shithouse rat. To demonstrate that he has fully descended into madness, Rafe has long abandoned his Dawson Leery butt cut for a buzzcut. This is character development.
Back on Jimmy’s winged Deus ex machina, the gang gets into a tussle with the man solely responsible for keeping them from crashing into the ocean. As a result, they crash into the ocean — but in a way that you can easily walk away from.
Oh yeah, and Ki is the only one decent enough to not let the unconscious Jimmy drown in the wreckage of his own plane. What are the chances this pays off later? That’s part of the fun of Outer Banks. It’s impossible to tell what matters in the slightest.
As reward for her good deed, Ki is apprehended by some shadowy military figures. Jimmy says he’ll try to help her, so hey, we might get this incredible Jimmy storyline paid off. You love to see it.
Next we get this season’s first look at the giant golden crucifix that was the subject of everyone’s obsession last season. Rafe has decided he is the best candidate to negotiate a sale of an eight-foot bejeweled cross with a French antiquities expert. Rafe may be the emotional equivalent of turning all your appliances on at one time, but he bets on himself. And I respect that.
Ki is taken to what can only be described as “a compound.” Now, I don’t know what defines “a compound,” but I promise that whatever you envision when you think of that word is exactly what this place is. There’s a guard dog. There’s a long driveway with a checkpoint. Everyone communicates via walkie talkies. I bet you a tiger is on display somewhere.
Ki is repeatedly grabbed by the back of the arm — where women get grabbed — as she is led through a mansion full of antique treasures. She is locked away in a room and told dinner is at eight. She finds her pre-purchased fancy dinner attire hanging in the closet. This has now become Crocodile Dundee 2, which only improved upon the original.
It’s at this point in the episode that we are reintroduced to John B’s dad. Last season’s big surprise ending was that this long-dead character was secretly alive. This seemed like an odd decision since the loss of John B’s father was a bit of an inciting incident for the whole show. It’d be like if Batman’s parents turned out to be alive, only they didn’t talk to him. It just takes a lot of the oomph out of what got us here.
Anyway, the gang tracks Jimmy (Jimmy!) back to his crab-infested home (crabs?), and he reveals Ki’s location. She is being held by the “Kingfish.” The gang steals some clothes from Jimmy, which makes sense because they haven’t really bathed in weeks. But are they all just going to be wearing ill-fitting Deadhead tees and cargo shorts as they storm the compound?
Next time we see the gang, they are dressed a little different but not in a way that makes any sort of sense or has any significance. It’s like they just didn’t have the right clothes on the day.
Back at the compound, Ki walks down to dinner, only to find Rafe. The Kingfish coolly sits them down to explain why they have been brought together. He is looking for the golden city of El Dorado.
Goddammit.
Every time this show introduces a new character, they are always in search of the dumbest shit. It’s always someone stood in front of a fireplace saying they want the coordinates to Narnia.
Anyway, while the Kingfish describes his quest for the suitcase from Pulp Fiction, the Pogues breach the gates of his compound and trigger an alarm. In proper fashion, they fail immediately. Meanwhile, the Kingfish tells Ki and Rafe that one of them knows the location of an old diary that will lead him to the golden city (I hate this).
To prove his seriousness, the Kingfish executes Jimmy in front of Rafe and Ki. Oh no, not Jimmy! He did come back. But only after aimlessly flying over an ocean until he found the only island populated by American castaways so he could bring one — just one — of them to this mansion to have a formal dinner. That was the plan!
Whatever, I guess. Pour one out for Jimmy. You were the MVP this episode. You facilitated most of the major plot points and then ended up with nothing to show for it. But such is the way for Outer Banks. A show seemingly written in reverse, but with heroes that always fail.
See you next episode as we fail upward? Succeed downward? I can’t tell anymore. Instead we just Bank Outerly.
