Sunk Submarines, Cream Cheese Elixirs and Barbie Bitch

Orly Minazad
Orly Minazad is a freelance writer and regrets it every day of her life. She moved to the States from Iran in 1991 with her family seeking better opportunities only to waste them earning a Masters in Professional Writing degree from USC which no longer exists, cost a lot of money, and for which she has nothing to show. No, she is not bitter at all. Why do you ask? Oh, you didn’t, ok. She lives with her husband and son in Los Angeles where she spends the day loading and unloading the dishwasher.

I’m irrationally obsessed with the fate of the submersible (because why the fuck would anyone do this?) The final verdict is it imploded not too long after it lost contact. (CNN)

There’s a lot to unpack about ridiculously rich people making dumb decisions (and putting others in danger, like a 19-year-old kid in this case) and then there’s this guy who was too cool for rules.

“There’s a rule you don’t do that, well I did”

There’s been a lot of jokes about the submersible but this is by far the funniest tweet blaming “wokeness” for the failure of the vessel.

Ok that’s it. I’m done. Moving on. Did anyone hear a little story about the ship that capsized in Greece killing–as of now–78 migrants seeking asylum? Anyone? No? (The Guardian)

Anyway, moving on for reals this time. Here’s how to sneak drugs into festivals using wigs, balloons and your white unsuspicious friends. (Vice)

Remember that lady who rudely interrupted her own funeral by knocking on her coffin? She died a week after that. And I just want my loved ones to know, I will not come to anyone’s funeral twice. Do it right the first time. (NBCNews)

There’s a lot going on here, but first explain what cream cheese elixir is.

@kimmyskreations1

RECIPE BELOW! So I heard that yall like french toast sticks? Well here is the grown folks version!!!

♬ Love You So – The King Khan & BBQ Show

This year’s Wimbledon will have AI commentators. As someone who doesn’t know sports, I will not notice the difference, but I still don’t like it. (The Guardian)

It’s so nice of Tom Cruise to refuse to kick his female costar in the stomach. What a mensch. (Variety)

I don’t get why this bear is so special. This is me every morning.

Solange Knowles has designed a new line of glassware I definitely won’t be able to afford. (Architectural Digest)

If you own any of these 10 cassettes or albums or know old people who do, you may become rich. Not afford-to-visit-Titanic-in-Tin-Can rich but maybe Buy-One-Solange-Knowles-Fancy-Glasses rich. (Mental Floss)

No one will ever be as obsessed with Kylie Minogue’s Padam Padam as Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby. (Pajiba)

The Women’s World Cup is in less than a month and our resident women’s soccer expert is on it. (The Antagonist)

The 2023 Emmys may be delayed because of the writer’s strike. I really can’t wait to see how many awards Ted Lasso doesn’t get for that final third season. (Deadline)

It’s about damn time. Princess Peach is getting her own video game on Nintendo Switch in 2024. (Nerdist)

Here’s a list of the 25 most beautiful places in Europe I won’t get to see because my passport has expired and it will take 300 hundred years to renew it. (Travel and Leisure)

I’m sorry but the Barbie movie coming out tomorrow looks hilarious. (Buzzfeed)

And don’t forget about the soundtrack, which includes Lizzo, Ryan Gosling apparently, Dua Lipa, Nikki Minaj, Ice Spice and some other people I’m not cool enough to recognize. (Capital)

“It’s Barbie bitch”

Here’s a list of queer horror books to read if you’re into celebrating Pride but also need that extra anxiety and fear. (The Line Up)

I personally don’t understand why people love hiking, but for those who like a difficult aimless walk to nothing, there’s a new app called HiiKER with over 25,000 routes to make it safer for you to waste your time in the wild. (My Modern Met)

I will see to it myself that these two men never enter a submarine.

@hasanminhaj

Mr. President, be honest… who’s making those playlists? 👀

♬ original sound – Hasan Minhaj
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