Why Are Men Doing This to Me: Newsboy Cap Edition

Emily Chambers
Emily Chambers has very strong opinions on very unimportant things and will fight you on those things for no reason. She’s been known to try to make friends by quoting Brockmire and John Oliver at you. She’s from Chicago and will remind you of that fact early and often. Do not feed the Emilys.

Hey, guys? Specifically men guys? Dudes? Fellas? Why are you doing this to me?

I don’t mean why Cillian Murphy. I get why Cillian Murphy. He’s here to be angelically beautiful while also menacing. He’s got a face where if your lesbian cousin started dating him, you’d be like, “Yeah, actually I get it.” He’s also here to be extremely not British. But I’m not talking only about Cillian Murphy. I need to talk about that thing on his head, why it’s there, and why it’s on so many hot heads so often.

So, again, guys? Why are you doing this to me?

That’s Pablo Schreiber, one of the hottest people to ever live, in American Gods as Mad Sweeney, one of the hottest leprechauns to ever live. And he’s wearing that stupid fucking hat.

To be clear, the hat is stupid. It’s a bad hat. The newsboy cap, flat cap, ascot cap, or god forbid a fucking Kangol cap.

Oh, Raymond. What are you doing?

They’re all bad. Because they don’t make any sense. What’s the point of them? The brim isn’t long enough to keep the sun out of your eyes (that’s exactly why the baseball cap has a longer bill), and it’s not enough of a hat to keep you warm (that’s why people in winter areas wear winter hats. It’s called that. A hat you wear in winter). It doesn’t even have the utility of a cowboy hat because it can’t keep the rain off. It just soaks up the wet, and then hangs out on your head. What is the point of this?

Alexander, it’s nighttime and you’re wearing two v-neck shirts. We don’t need the head flair.

But that’s sort of the point, right? Men’s fashion, until roughly sixty years ago, required men to wear hats. Rich men wore rich hats, and poor men wore poor hats. Wearing a specific kind of lower/working-class hat signified that, while abiding by the manners of upper society, you were actively not a part of it. Men began wearing newsboy caps as a sign that they’re in touch with their working-class roots. Working-class roots like being a seventh-generation landowner educated in the best British prep schools.

OK, Benny.

Although the worst offenders are by far Americans. Especially a couple of site favorites. Coach and Coach, the fuck are you doing?

Brendan Hunt by the way? Loves a flat cap. In general hasn’t met a hat he won’t try to rock, but loves a flat cap.

But they’re both guilty.

And, listen, if you love a newsboy cap, you do you. I shouldn’t be yucking anyone’s yums. I just don’t get it. It’s supposed to be a more casual hat from a period when wearing hats was required. But since hats are no longer a requirement, it’s adding a step to your outfit in order to convey caring less about your outfit. It’s like if I were to wear my informal tiara (which I would and have done). It’s fine, I just don’t need it and have never found one that makes a hot guy better looking.

Goddamnit.

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