MAGA’s Worst Nightmare is Taylor Swift

Orly Minazad
Orly Minazad is a freelance writer and regrets it every day of her life. She moved to the States from Iran in 1991 with her family seeking better opportunities only to waste them earning a Masters in Professional Writing degree from USC which no longer exists, cost a lot of money, and for which she has nothing to show. No, she is not bitter at all. Why do you ask? Oh, you didn’t, ok. She lives with her husband and son in Los Angeles where she spends the day loading and unloading the dishwasher.

If you thought a couple as wholesome (and frankly, straight and white) as Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce couldn’t get the MAGA crowd riled up, you were wrong. After all, MAGA is all about “traditional” American values, and if movies and music videos have taught me anything, there’s nothing more “all-American” than a beautiful, popular blond girl cheering on her handsome, dreamy-eyed football star boyfriend.

So why have conservatives gotten their MAGA hats all in a twist?

Just so it’s clear I’m not biased, I don’t care about football, Travis, or Taylor. Wish them the best, but I’d be fine with them dating or not dating each other.

However, I have been enjoying pointing to the TV and announcing, “that’s Taylor Swift’s boyfriend,” while my husband is trying to enjoy the game. As annoying as that may be for him, it’s an upgrade from “What the fuck kind of sport is this, slamming into each other?” If anything, Traylor – that’s short for Travis and Taylor – have brought couples closer together.

And now with the Kansas City Chiefs going to the Super Bowl, Swifties and football fans all have something to look forward to besides a football-shaped cheese dip someone learned to make from going down a TikTok rabbit hole the night before.

But according to Fox News and their legions, the whole relationship is a scam and Taylor Swift is an agent sent by the woke Democrats to infiltrate the NFL to not only get her large following to vote for Biden and destroy the very fabric of America, but also to win over a new demographic of innocent football fans.

Here’s Fox’s Jesse Watters having a stroke over this very real and definitely not made up conspiracy theory about Taylor Swift being a Pentagon psychological operations agent on a mission to take down their overlord, Donald Trump.

“The New York Times just speculated she’s a lesbian!”

They’re already claiming that the Super Bowl is rigged. The Chiefs will obviously win, then Taylor Swift is going to come out in a bedazzled leotard with Joe Biden’s face on it, shoot Covid vaccine syringes out of a cannon, and give everyone coupons for a free abortion. And before you know it, all our children are going to become gay poets who drink Bud Light.

Trust me, if the Republicans had anyone nearly as cool as Taylor Swift, they would have actually done everything they’re accusing the Democrats of doing. What it really comes down to is that there is no Republican celebrity whose influence is as big as Taylor Swift’s, because the GOP is packed with men with antiquated ideals that no one under 90 believes in.

They have Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Jon Voight. I do want to add, though, that I see Jon Voight at our deli all the time and he is the sweetest man, but unfortunately for the GOP he – even combined with Kid Rock and Nugent – does not come close to wielding the kind of influence Taylor Swift does.

They need to learn from 30 Rock. Jack Donaghy went through this exact same situation when he was desperately trying to find a celebrity spokesperson for the McCain dinner and all they could come up with was Bucky Bright, an old out-of-touch former star no one knows nor remembers.

Similarly, everyone later loses their mind because a beautiful blond celebrity, Jenna Maroney, has the power to influence the election results with just one tweet to her millions of followers.

It’s funny when it happens on TV, but the very real threat of the Republican party and its conspiracy theories pose an actual danger to the upcoming election and the fate of an already divided country, most of whom are running out of friends and family they like.

The Right is correct about a few things; Taylor Swift does have a huge following, one that even Trump can’t compete with. Her influence knows no bounds and she is equipped with the strength of both the skinny-jeaned Millennials and the crop-topped Gen Zers.

But she’s also an individual person with autonomy and she can promote whatever the fuck she wants. And she actually has endorsed Biden in the past. There’s no secret conspiracy. She’s been very open about her political stance and doesn’t need to fake having a cute boyfriend to help do her bidding.

So please, MAGAs, I beg you, stop with the conspiracies. Just let us enjoy trolling our husbands and eating our football cheese dip this Super Bowl.

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