As we reach the downer of an episode that is season three’s “The Dark Forest,” I am struck by how much the tone of Outer Banks is governed by the priorities of its youthful protagonists. For example, one would generally assume that the darkest point for these characters would be when they were stranded on a remote island with little hope of returning to civilization. But no. They loved it.
Instead the true nadir for these characters comes in “The Dark Forest.” They are back home, some burdened by their parents’ insistence that they stop ruining their lives in a failed search for treasure. In this world they have to do all those awful things in life: Go to school. Get a job. Lie to your parents about stealing a priceless holy relic.
Let’s embrace the darkness.
John B and his pops return from Charleston, and John B is told to keep the newly discovered idol a secret. Sarah’s suspicion is aroused by John B’s shady story about the Charleston adventure. This is Outer Banks. John B could have said anything, and it would seem possible.
“We gave a magic handkerchief to a brittle aristocrat and she returned our van.”
Sure. Sounds about right. But instead of that, John B just says that nothing really happened. This is an impossibility in the world of Outer Banks, where everything is happening at all times.
When questioned by Sarah, John B projects his own misgiving about having a murderous father onto Sarah and her perhaps equally murderous dad. Basically, there are no moms and their dads are all homicidal treasure junkies.
Speaking of great parental relationships, Ward calls Rafe after discovering that the gold cross never reached its destination. Rafe, who is hilarious, is all like, “What? Whoa. That is so wild. Anybody could have stolen the cross.”
He’s basically the hotdog suit sketch from I Think You Should Leave.
Ward, frustrated, responds by stating they definitely know the parties most likely to be stealing the cross. Rafe is just like, “Maybe.” Rafe and Ward make the best faces in this scene. Netflix — following in the footsteps of the legendary Quibi — won’t let me take screenshots from the series, but this was too good not to share.
Rafe promises to usurp his father’s position of power in the OBX. Can’t wait to see how this plays out.
Back with the Johns B, they get a lead on the location of El Dorado. Apparently Big John’s former mentor may know its location, but they parted ways on bad terms. My guess is that Dad B will smooth things over by murdering him and stealing some shit from his house. That seems to be his go-to move.
After her fight with John B, Sarah goes in search of housing. Ki turns her away. JJ’s been evicted. But when things seem their lowest, there’s always Topper.
Sarah is jealous when she learns that Topper has a girlfriend. Then, like a dog in a manger, she spends the rest of the evening rekindling things with her former beau.
Meanwhile Pope meets up with his guidance counselor to discuss his academic future after missing six weeks of classes. Pope is devastated to learn he’ll have to retake a bunch of low-level classes to get all the hours he needs to graduate. He decides the best thing to do is drop out of school. John B is a life-ruiner.
Speaking of, JJ tries to get his old job back at the marina. He pleads with the boss, but JJ’s one exception is that he refuses to clean bathrooms. Big mistake, dude. You got to get in the filth like that. Buy a jumpsuit and some menthols. I used to scrub medical buildings. Other than emptying the biological waste bins and sharps containers, the next most important thing was decontaminating all the childrens books in the waiting room. Because children are filthy.
JJ’s lack of sanitation chutzpah coupled with Rafe bad mouthing him around town cost him the marina job. JJ spots Rafe on his boat with Barry the delinquent. They are discussing how to move the gold sourced from the melted cross. Later, Pope is broken when he learns that his cherished family heirloom has been destroyed. He says he’s “sick of being the good guy” and then just runs off. No one follows after him, but I’m sure the emotional teenager who threw away his future for nothing is going to make a calm and measured response.
Back with John B and Dad, they visit his old mentor to find his home in disrepair. It’s grimy in a way that makes me think the Outer Banks team has never watched Hoarders. We get shots of dirty dishes piled up and dust caked on counters, but no mountains of old newspapers and cat skeletons that truly communicate “People here are not well.”
John B is attacked by the former mentor. He is wearing an elaborate Mayan headdress and is somehow the same age as John B’s dad. The professor is super jumpy. We learn that almost all the archaeologists who went on their last expedition have died under suspicious circumstances. They show him the idol, which is apparently called the “Gnomon of Solana.”
John B, who represents us all, asks what the hell a gnomon is. Dad B explains that it’s a stick that casts a shadow — like on a sundial. If put in the proper place at exactly the right time, it will reveal the directions to El Dorado. So it’s an Indiana Jones thing. Got it.
The professor begins to read the glyphs on the idol, which are scary, I guess. He seems scared. Dad B decides the best course of action is to threaten the anxious academic.
The professor shows him an illustration of the site in which to place the idol, but he is suddenly — I shit you not — struck in the neck by a poison dart. Please excuse me while I go smash all the dishes in my house. What?!
This is some Spike TV Deadliest Warrior nonsense.
Dad B whips out his piece and goes after the henchmen who have stolen the idol. John B checks on the professor who, in his final words, says, “Neville.”
John B and his dad fail the button prompts in their quick-time event sequence and are apprehended by Singh’s henchmen. Singh appears holding the idol. Dad B manages to save his neck by claiming to be the only person alive who can translate the markings on the idol. Big John is two-for-two with just simply lying his way out of dangerous situations.
Dad B is hauled off while the henchmen take John B to the dunes to execute him with a spare poison dart. A wild John B uses sand attack. The henchmen are blinded, and John B escapes.
Catching back up with Sarah, she and Topper continue to hit it off. Top takes Sarah out to a lighthouse. This scene is color graded such an ugly orange-yellow color that I think the show has jaundice.
Anyway, Sarah and Topper kiss. They do a big smooch.
Over on Rafe’s boat, we see Pope wielding his father’s pistol as he watches Rafe discuss selling off the stolen cross gold in the loudest phone call ever. The only other place where you’ll find people having private conversations this loudly is on the bus.
Anyway, Cleo arrives to talk a tearful Pope out of shooting Rafe with an old revolver from a significant distance, which is definitely a shot he wouldn’t make. But this is the same show where folks are getting taken down with blow darts, so what do I know?
Pope breaks down emotionally and drops the gun. He is the true protagonist of this show.
John B arrives home to find JJ. JJ demands the truth. John B reveals his dad’s murders and subsequent kidnapping to South America.
JJ says he needs to think and then proceeds to do so as if thoughts have mass and need to be physically moved through the brain. They agree to come up with a plan to get to South America.
Sarah wakes up on the beach with Topper. She sees a plane pass overhead. The soundtrack gets real funky, and we see Ward step onto the runway. Deddy’s here to settle bidnus, y’all.
See you next episode for Ward’s big return.
