The Antagonist’s Holiday Gift Guide for the Most Damaged Man in Your Life

Dustin Waters
Dustin Waters is a writer from Macon, Ga, currently living in D.C. After years as a beat reporter in the Lowcountry, he now focuses his time on historical oddities, trashy movies, and the merits of professional wrestling.

The holiday season is upon us, and we here at The Antagonist want to help you navigate the hectic world of finding those perfect gifts for the ones you love. That’s why throughout the remainder of the year, we’ll be publishing carefully curated shopping guides specifically geared for the people in your life. Starting with the most damaged dude you know.

Yes, the culture of aggression, emotional repression, and generational trauma associated with masculinity can really do a number on your little guy’s noggin. And most importantly, this can make your special dude difficult to shop for. 

Well, no worries. We’ve compiled a handy guide on what to hand your guy this gift-giving season. 

Bullet-Shaped Bourbon Stones

Amazon.com

There’s perhaps no greater pairing than a nice stiff drink and the fetishization of firearms. That’s why these bullet-shaped bourbon stones can add a touch of class to your next boys’ night in. 

Simply refrigerate these stainless steel cartridges for a few hours before adding them to your glass and say goodbye to the days of watered-down drinks. Now, you instead can greedily sip as you stare down at what resembles live rounds in your rocks glass. 

That surely won’t have some sort of unintended effect subconsciously. You’ll be fine. Let’s not talk about it.  

Shotgun Shell Shot Glasses

Amazon.com

Hmmm, OK, another gun-themed bar accessory. There are a surprising number of these. Most of this stuff also comes with the Punisher logo on it. 

Anyway, this makes the perfect gift for the man in your life who has never heard of Ernest Hemingway. 

Shower Beer Caddy

Amazon.com

Are men OK?! What are we doing?

This handy bathroom accessory can help your man keep track of his cold one while cleaning up after a hard day at work. At a job where no one appreciates him and the boss doesn’t respect him. 

Ideas? Hell yes, he has ideas. He could turn that place around in a second. But does anyone listen? No. 

But you’ll listen. To him in the shower. As he rehashes conversations from earlier in the day in frustration and sips on a warm beer rimmed with shower water. 

NFT Gift Card

Binance

What’s almost as good as money? A gift card. 

And what’s several levels below that in value? An NFT gift card. 

Yes, like some abstract simulacra for an actual currency, gift cards are widely available for NFTs if your special buddy is an investor in the making. Speaking of great investments…

Joker Statue

Sideshow

If your guy lives in a society and fancies himself an intellectual, consider purchasing him this bust of Joker protagonist Arthur Fleck priced at only $3,805.

Limited to only 350 units, it’s the perfect showpiece for anyone’s man cave… or should that be Bat Cave? From Batman. A semi-related, yet separate Warner Bros property. 

Becoming Tyler Durden

Amazon.com

Published last year (that can’t be right) by an author working under the nom de plume Sigma Mentality, this 15-page guide is the perfect gift for your man with zero understanding of subtext. 

According to its official synopsis, this guide “has taken months of research as we had to review the movie, analyze his body language, his personal beliefs, his mentality, and his drive in order to come up with a formula” to emulate the star of breakout novel and 1999 film Fight Club

Or as it is described on the cover, Tyler Durden’s “philoshopy.” Because Project Mayhem does not spell check. 

Leg-Lengthening Surgery

Thanks to a recent surge in popularity, more and more short kings are shedding their crowns for a few extra inches in height, crippling medical procedures, and a lifetime of questionable mobility. 

Yes, paying to have your special guy’s legs lengthened is expensive — even more so if you prefer to remain in the United States. But after months of painful and grueling recuperation and physical therapy, he won’t feel bummed out anymore when women around him wear heels. 

And that is the greatest gift of all. 

Related Posts

Hollywood Strikers Risk Losing Healthcare and Celebs Are Auctioning Off the Most Random Crap to Save It

It makes sense that medical dramas have become such a staple of American television. It’s likely the only way most folks are going to be able to see a doctor.  Yes, that’s right, we’re talking about healthcare, the ongoing Hollywood strikes, and the odd lengths to which actors are going to support their crews. So let’s scrub in and diagnose…
Read More

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Pickles

Happy Ramadan! Here some tips on how not to be an asshole to your friends and family who are fasting. (CNN) It’s been a busy week for the White House. First, Happy Persian New Year/Nowruz, or as I call it, the new year that makes sense instead of the one we celebrate in the dead of winter. And then this.…
Read More