Lately much of the news has focused on Elon Musk — the world’s richest boy — and his $44 billion buyout of Twitter — the site where old people go to look at TikToks. You would think this to be the low point of his bad business decisions, but things continued to tumblr… I mean tumble.
Upon taking control of Twitter, Musk fired much of the staff. The social media site is now operated by six raccoons in a trench coat, and it’s become a hotbed for hate speech. This led many advertisers to flee like they were escaping a holiday dinner where a drunken uncle had pulled out his pocket Pocket Constitution.
Top EU officials soon began threatening Musk with heavy fines or a multi-nationwide ban if he didn’t try to promote Nazis just a little less on his social media site. At the same time, Musk also lashed out at Apple — Twitter’s one-time top advertiser — saying he may create his own smartphone if Apple and Google boot him from app stores.
Now there is a lot going wrong here, but it was this last comment that struck me. Musk has always been big on saying he’s going to revolutionize the world with some amazing new innovation and then failing to deliver on the lofty promises. That’s how we got the Vegas Death Tunnels and the self-driving murder cars. But this Twitter phone idea feels different. It seems almost too idiotic — and this is coming from the man who will most likely die trying to give himself superpowers by hooking his brain to a computer.
Sidenote: There is only one respectable death for a billionaire and that is being eaten in a dinosaur amusement park of your own creation.
Musk’s Twitter phone seemed like something from a far-distant past. So I did some searching and realized that was indeed the case. Allow me to take you all the way back to the strange time that was 2009.
Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. The world says goodbye to legendary actors Bea Arthur and Patrick Swayze. Avatar smashes box office records, and audiences are assured that a slew of sequels was on the horizon. Also that year, the TwitterPeek is launched.
From the makers of the Peek email and texting devices, the TwitterPeek was a small mobile device that put Twitter in the palm of your hand — and little else.
While smartphones would weigh users down with tons of useful “features,” the TwitterPeek was announced with the following:
- Unlimited tweets and direct messages
- Always-on instant tweet delivery
- Views links (as plain text) and Twitpic images
- Nationwide coverage. No wi-fi signal necessary.
Please keep in mind that’s it for this device. You won’t be calling anyone. You won’t be receiving any emails. You just get tweets.
So let’s see, unlimited tweets and direct messages. That’s kind of already a thing. And since Twitter started falling down a hill, pretty much all my direct messages are from bot accounts and say, “Hello, are you looking for an online job now” followed by multiple options to have your identity stolen.
Also, you notice they listed “view links (as plain text)” as a feature. Because you don’t want to actually click through to any articles or anything. Nope, the url is all you need. Like when you’re hungry, so you just look at the addresses of restaurants.
The TwitterPeek sold in November 2009 for $99.99 with six free months of unlimited service — $7.95 per month after that. Or for those certain that this would be a great product met with widespread success, you could purchase the TwitterPeek for $199 with unlimited lifetime service.
So how did users like the TwitterPeek? Luckily, some user reviews from users are still online, and I found one Amazon buyer who chronicled their brief tenure as a TwitterPeeker.
This customer review began in June 2010 and is followed by a lengthy series of updates as their experience deteriorates.
They write:
“TwitterPeek is either something you want or it is something you really despise. There seems to be no other than two ways about it. You either like it or hate it.”
Much like Elon Musk himself.
They continue:
“People definitely do want to have their smartphones and all the more power to them. And then there are those people who will want the TwitterPeek for its single-purpose simplicity and the lack of a monthly phone bill if you get the TwitterPeek with ‘lifetime’ service. It’s a choice that the beauty and the diversity of the marketplace provides because people will buy what they want.”
Ugh, I always get nervous when people start talking about “the beauty and the diversity of the marketplace.” But let’s hear out this early adopter.
In a follow-up post in July 2010, the user assure us:
“Anyways, the TwitterPeek is a good buy as far as I’m concerned and I’ve been happy with mine. And to be clear, I do *NOT* work for PEEK INC. I’m only a user of the TwitterPeek device.”
Thank you for the assurance. I can tell you, it is about to become abundantly clear that this person is in no way employed by Peek.
Sept. 18, 2010:
“Because of a recent change in how Twitter authenticates accounts, the TwitterPeek has been DEAD in getting service from Twitter since about the beginning of September 2010. … And I’m waiting to see if this comatose TwitterPeek actually rises from the dead and starts working again.”
Sadly the TwitterPeek would never recover. Despite promises of “lifetime service,” the TwitterPeek lasted less than a year.
From the user’s final update on Oct. 19, 2010:
“The TwitterPeek does NOT work any longer. Don’t buy it.”
So, I don’t know. It seems like reviving a Twitter-centric phone may not be what anyone wants, especially since the platform itself is in a bit of a death spiral.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Elon knows what he’s doing. Maybe pretending to invent something by reviving catastrophic failures of the past is a sound business model. I’m just surprised we haven’t seen Musk try it before.
Wait…
Dammit.
