I’m just going to come out and say it: You can buy magic spells on Etsy.
No, I don’t mean magicians’ equipment or illusions. I mean curses and spells that sellers claim are legitimate and effective. The dark arts. Available via PayPal.
I’m talking love spells, death spells, curse removals, spells to make someone impotent. Let’s look a bit deeper.
One of the top results is “The Most Powerful Death Spell – Revenge Spell – Die Spell – Death Spells – Annihilation Spell – Dark Magic – Hate Spell.” It comes from a merchant with 523 sales and a five-star review. As of Memorial Day weekend, this spell was marked down to only $162.
While some might question the validity of this product, the seller assures buyers that it is “very effective and permanent.” So we’re not dealing with any temporary death. This is permanent death.
In addition to the reasonable $162 down payment, the spell caster needs the photos, names, and dates of birth for everyone involved. It takes more to become a driver for DoorDash.
Those purchasing a spell are informed that they will not receive anything physical along with their purchase, merely a notification that the curse has been made and the proper demons have been enlisted to carry out this dark task. Also, you don’t get to actually see the spell being cast because “the work is done in a sacred room where absolutely no photography is allowed.”
So what is Etsy’s policy on the sale of spells and curses? Well, according to one seller, “The law requires that tarot readings, spells, and other items that fall into the realm of paranormal are to be sold for entertainment purposes only and that you must be 18 years of age or older to purchase them. I am also not responsible for anything that may or may not happen as a result of my spells or readings. Our products should not be used as a substitution for medical/legal/financial or any other professional advice. Instead we would encourage you to seek advice from professionals.”
That is a hell of a disclaimer. I can see Etsy’s legal staff poring over the Necronomicon and cross-referencing it with Section 5 of the Federal Trade Commission Act. Let’s explore further.
Love spells have long been a part of popular culture. It’s a common trope among supernatural series to include an episode where a romantic incantation goes awry. It happened on Buffy frequently. Well, now you too can be like Xander Harris.
For the low, low price of $21, this love spell promises that a “person will be obsessed with love for you because love is a great feeling that cannot be resisted. You and only you will be in his/her mind and heart 24/7.”
I would like to point out that this spell has more than 500 reviews — the vast majority of them being overwhelmingly positive. Although this does raise a lot of questions regarding consent, let’s leave that for another day. I don’t really consider myself qualified to litigate romantic applications of the Darkhold.
Moving on we have a dealer who claims to be a descendant of Circe who is offering “break-up” spells for $7.80. When she’s not busy shacking up with Odysseus and turning folks into pigs, I’m sure Circe reflects fondly on the fact that her heir sells curses for less than the price of a magazine.
Of course, if you want to counteract any of these spells, there is always a removal spell for a base rate of $79. Buyers can also upgrade this basic removal spell, adding a “soul cleanse” for $95 and full protection coverage for $150. Finally, you can upgrade to the family plan for $250, which is good because more than 31 million Americans don’t have health insurance.
Can’t afford a protection spell and don’t have access to a grimoire of your own? Just purchase this super affordable “fast money” spell for only $9.99. Those worries about inflation can now be a thing of the past, and you didn’t even have to waste any wishes on your monkey’s paw.
To wrap up this look around the mystical possibilities available online, I’m sure it might be a bit surprising that this stuff is even out there. This seems somewhat pedestrian compared to tracking down virgin blood and dragging a cauldron out to the middle of the woods. But I think it just goes to show that even practitioners of those most ancient and forbidden arts can adapt to the ever-evolving marketplace.
