You may have heard that Prince Harry, the spare to the heir to the throne of England, has been doing a few things lately. A little complaining here, a little whining there, a wee bit of monarchy destroying, a touch of institutional destruction. You know, just your average winter for a newly American prince.
But now, with the Harry and Meghan Netflix documentary over, and the furor over Spare, Harry’s long-awaited memoir, beginning to die down, it’s time for the ginger prince to figure out what’s next. Here are my suggestions, which I imagine he’s been waiting for.
Go Away
Seriously. Go away. Disappear. Take Meg and those adorable kids and Go. The Fuck. Away. Nobody wants to see you anymore. Nobody wants to hear anything from you. Shut up. Tell Meghan to shut up. Go away.
Change Your Number
While you’re away, don’t take any calls. I mean, give Doria Ragland your new digits. And Princess Eugenie, maaaaaybe. She seems cool. But only if she can refrain from telling you anything at all about your toxic family and only if she can keep your toxic family from finding out how to contact you. Nothing will make them crazier than wanting to summon you to a crisis meeting about King Charles’s coronation and not being able to even get in touch. It will be hilarious. Do it, England(‘s spare prince).
Wait Six Months
OK, now that you’ve been absolutely off the grid for half a year, the world will want you back. The overexposure will have faded like a bad sunburn, which you must know all about being a redheaded Brit. You can now resume life as everybody’s favorite prince in all the lands except the one you were born in. You have two choices: Raise an army and challenge your dad for the throne, or embark on life as an American celebrity. I am going to assume you’ll go with choice number two, because it’s way harder and you like a challenge.
Royal or Not?
Host a reality show! Royal or Not features three panelists, two of whom are posh, sexy Europeans and one of whom is a random minor royal from somewhere or other, and our contestants have to figure out which one is actually royal. The prize is a weekend at an actual castle! But not in England, because frankly their castles suck. All the other European countries have way better castles. Sorry but it’s true. Google it.
Fairytale Romance
Speaking of random minor royals, there are a shit ton of them wandering the narrow picturesque streets of the Old World. Why not set them up with Americans on TV? You could host a dating show! Everybody loves those. The studio would pay for the villa in Italy, the Americans wouldn’t realize that the title of “Viscountess” or whatever means nothing, and the fortieth in line to the throne of some country that no longer even has a monarchy would get some cold, hard cash and maybe some nookie. It’s a win for everybody.
Crown Jewel Investigator
Or go into journalism, you’ve got the contacts! Produce a documentary about the provenance of all the various stolen diamonds and sapphires that Queen Camilla might be wearing at any given moment. Where are they from? What former colony did the British Empire steal them from, and at what human cost? Who should they be given back to? I bet the Royal Family would LOVE this show.
Commonwealth Consulting
Start a consulting company to assist nations who realize it’s time to break up with the Commonwealth. You are in a unique position to advise them on separating from your fam. They can try your various strategies from the “please just be nice to Black and brown people to prove that you’re willing to join us here in the 21st century” to the “how about you respect us as human beings and understand that we aren’t going to just shut up and take your abuse?” and finally the “we are going to expose your wrongdoings to the world.” You may have a hard time hooking all your clients up with Tyler Perry and his private jet, though.
Vegas Residency
If all else fails, you can go the Elvis route and just cut a sweet deal with some mobsters to have a residency in Vegas. Let the commoners come to you! Hell, it would be a fantastic theme hotel–Prince Harry’s House. It’ll be shaped like a castle, and Harry Styles can play the theater, and there can be a mock Tower of London with public “beheadings” for fun every evening, and a replica of the London Eye with amazing views of the whole city, and a moat around the entire hotel with alligators and shit. And all you’d have to do, Harry, is live there like an animal in a zoo and show up for pictures sometimes. It’ll be just like your life back in England!
