Dear Luke,
It was so nice to see you the other day at the site of the new Jedi Academy. Those ant droids freaked me out a little bit, but damned if they don’t know their business. I’m not sure who decided that the main temple would look like a tit, but I’ve always found the Jedi establishment to be unnecessarily bro-ey, so that was a welcome change.
If there’s one thing the Jedi have always needed, it’s more tits.
You, yourself, seem very relaxed. I sensed that you had truly recovered from the trauma of your past and in that vein, it’s pleasant to see you settle into your role as the only living Jedi Master.
A word of caution, though: academia isn’t what it used to be, and I worry that your monotone lectures and stationary meditation of Jedi crisscross applesauce might not be exactly the thing to bring new younglings a-runnin’.
You have exactly one student, and he was more enamored with a frog than he was with your trance. Sorry if this sounds like a criticism. You’re a very sweet man and while I admire your enunciation, I long to see more glimpses of your father in you.
Mmmm. Feel the boredom, Grogu. Drink in the boredom.
Yes, I know, oooooo boogeyman. We don’t talk about that shit.
But here’s the thing: your dad and I were best friends for a long time. Yeah, on the outside, y’know, everyone thinks it was him and Obi-Wan but that relationship was fraught with tension. With me and your old man, it was cool. Yeah, he was a finicky bastard from time to time, but he called me Snips and we spent years hanging out and roaming the galaxy together. Ever hear him give anyone else a nickname? Right. Because he didn’t.
He saved my ass more times than I’d like to remember and I saved his ass more times than he’d ever admit. But your dad took the C-train to the dark side and now everyone both he and I loved is dead. Half the galaxy is dead. All the Jedi are dead.
Except for you, Luke.
I’m not technically a Jedi. I did more Jedi shit for longer than just about anyone in the whole Star Wars universe, but in the end, it’s a man’s world and characters who the public barely saw, like Mace Windu and Ki-Adi-Mundi get all the love.
My point is that I’m not going to be building the next generation of Jedi, but if I was I’d take a good long look at all the shit that blew up the Order and everyone in it. Fundamentalism is no bueno, and with all due respect, I’m watching you walk the eternal Jedi line of ‘no attachments’ with little Grogu and it’s going to burn you.
Here’s the thing, dude. You lost. We lost. The good guys lost. It’s such a mistake to think we won. Yeah, we blew up a man-made metal space circle but they blew up Alderaan. You can’t replace that, not ever. We focus on the people that died but what about the fungi and the plant life and the hundreds of thousands of animals and fish that were lost forever? Killing a bunch of sniveling, PG-13 droids on Mustafar doesn’t bring back the Alderaanian Glowing Palm Tree or the Alderaanian White Lion. They’re gone forever. It takes billions of years to build a biomass like that and we’ll never replace it. So, say it with me:
We lost.
We lost because the Jedi Order is gone. Whenever you look out at those ant droids stacking rocks for the new academy, you should be asking why it’s not other Jedi or a team of laughing padawans. You should think “why am I all alone?” And you should think “Did we really have it right? Is there some rethinking to be done on the Jedi code?”
Here's the Jedi Code
- There is no emotion; there is peace.
- There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
- There is no passion; There is serenity.
- There is no death; there is only the Force.
- A Jedi does not act for personal power or wealth but seeks knowledge and enlightenment.
- A Jedi never acts from hatred, anger, fear, or aggression but acts when calm and at peace with the Force.
- Jedi are the guardians of peace in the galaxy.
- Jedi use the powers to defend and to protect, never to attack others.
- Jedi respect life, in any form.
- Jedi serve others rather than ruling over them, for the good of the galaxy.
- Jedi seek to improve themselves through knowledge and training.
From what I see, you’re not doing that work. You’re content to rest on your laurels and wait to become a Force Ghost. Right now you feel like a band that had a hit in their twenties and you’re just happy they still play it at Bar Mitzvahs. Your dad was restless, man! Your dad had ants in his pants. He was never satisfied. And it wasn’t because he had this aloof detachment to all things and ignored need in the name of forced stoicism. It was because he had fire in him and he was passionate. He loved life and he loved people and he loved making a difference.
But that passion scared the Jedi Council because they have no use for it. Not everyone is Yoda, bruh. Most families have siblings that are wildly different, but all Jedis must be one thing? Says who?
You know what happens when you run an organization like that? People bristle. Look at me. I got screwed by the Jedi Council and there isn’t a person alive who would deny it. Did I make a mistake? Did I transgress? No! I got framed and they believed it. And they were shocked that I didn’t come running back once your dad exonerated me. For what? So they could turn on me again? When someone tells you who they are: believe them.
Guess what the net result of that is? Jedis looking for something else. And guess what the only ‘else’ is? That’s right. The motherfuckin’ Dark Side.
The Dark Side has a place for love. The Dark Side has a place for passion. And when they steal our people, they’re not stealing low-end number-crunchers and force dimwits! They’re stealing Anakins and Count Dooku’s! Asskickers! Titans!
You know how much more badass the Jedi would be with someone like Asajj Ventress on their team? Of course we can’t even imagine that because they’d never recruit someone like her. Too much passion. Too much rage. Too much estrogen.
Nope, the Jedi aren’t in the importing business. Exports only. One way to the dark side with all your biggest earners.
And when they go, what do the Jedis do about it? Squat!
“Ho hum! We lost another once-in-a-lifetime recruit! Oh poo. Well, let’s just keep doing what we’ve always done and hopefully things will work out.”
-Jedis
I liked Yoda too. Don’t get me wrong. I had some great times with him, but while he was bossman of the Jedi, the head Sith of the Universe was sitting next to him at dinner parties and he had no idea! You can’t defend that shit. You can’t defend a mass exodus of high-powered Jedi to the enemy team. How many Sith came to the light in that time? How often did we get a wayward Darth looking to trade in his Ferrari for a bag of dirt?
That’s why your Lightsaber or Mithril Undershirt choice is bubkus. It’s trash. It’s a choice from a different era and you don’t even realize it. Your dad was the greatest Jedi who ever lived and he went over to the Dark Side because he couldn’t imagine living without your mother. That’s not weakness, that’s strength. Would that we all loved like that. I certainly never have. Have you? I know you were smitten by your sister in the early days (that passion that drew everyone to her, by the way, came straight from your father). But she never was a Jedi, was she? Why not? By your own admission, you’ve always been a little wet behind the ears and probably were better suited to tend to the intricacies of jurisprudence and format balloting like your mom, more than you were destined to be a great Jedi. But yet, you got the nod over your sister. Why? Was that the work of the Force or was it the work of the Jedi Order, who saw in you a hunk of clay they could mold to their specifications while your sister, far superior in most ways, was never even invited to train as a padawan. In the dark years they sent a Master Jedi to watch over you and a politician to watch over her. Need I say more?
How often did we get a wayward Darth looking to trade in his Ferrari for a bag of dirt?
You do this bullshit choice to Grogu now at your peril. That’s what I’m here to say. That little dude is brimming with power. He’s like a shaken up Fanta left in the sun. He respects you, sure, but you aren’t exactly the biggest prize at the fair these days. Why would he choose a lifetime of your low-key, Tuesdays With Morrie monotone-enunciation over actual love and adventure with a charismatic person that would give his life to protect him? I’m here to say: that’s not a choice you’re about to win.
And that’s the real shame of the whole thing. The Force ain’t gone, Charlie. There are Sith in them thar hills. Right this second, somewhere in the galaxy, another Force Sensitive baby is being born, and all you’ve got to offer her is a list of things you can’t love and can’t have and can’t do. So she’s either going to be recruited by the other side or she’s going to be hunted to death before she knows how to effectively use her power. And you sit here enjoying the breeze, withholding lightsabers for shirts and building stone tits.
Right this second, somewhere in the galaxy, another Force Sensitive baby is being born, and all you’ve got to offer her is a list of things you can’t love and can’t have and can’t do.
Trust me when I say this: Your father would never be sitting here.
He’d be out there going house to house if he had to to save those kids and give them a place to be understood. All you have is a place where they can possibly grow into what some dead Jedis think they should be, not who they actually should be.
When I first came along, I’ll never forget the comments. I was too perky to be a padawan. I was too upbeat. My vibe wasn’t canon. And yet if you asked your father, the greatest Jedi of all time, he’d tell you I was a force of nature. He’d tell you that I did more good for the world, on the front lines, week in and week out, than every tired old relic that sat on the Jedi Council, and they never made me a Jedi. Well, I’m still here, fighting the good fight and every one of them is a corpse with an ideal. That’s your legacy. Ghosts and ashes. And you wonder why your greatest allies run off whenever the carnival comes to town?
It’s time for you to rethink the Jedi Order. It’s time for you to stop trying to make every Jedi one thing. It didn’t work for your father and it won’t work for you. Give Grogu the Lightsaber and the Beskar Mail. If the Jedi Order doesn’t take a long, hard look at its past, legions of cute little peanuts like Grogu are going to end up carrying red lightsabers because it’s the only real choice they have.
