Ah, tis the season. Turning of the leaves, pumpkin spice latte memes, and the annual fearmongering of contaminated Halloween candy.
Every. Fucking. Year.
The origin story of contaminated Halloween treats started in the 1970s when a five year old in Detroit died on Halloween after ingesting heroin. His uncle, very sensibly not wanting to go to jail, claimed it was from the Halloween candy, though it turned out to be his. A few years later, a father in Houston poisoned his own son by putting cyanide in a pixie stick.
Every Halloween since, we’ve been warned about razors in apples (I don’t know who’s handing out apples but considering the price of groceries right now, I’ll happily take a free organic honey crisp with a razor in it), pins in tootsie rolls (which likely improves the taste of that garbage excuse for a candy), and edibles disguised as Starbursts. Some of these panicked parents have not gone to a dispensary and spent all their money and it shows, because this was a real concern last year. Parents were inspecting their kids’ plastic pumpkin buckets for FULL bags of edibles. Full. The audacity of believing this.
And every year nothing happens.
The threat this year is “rainbow fentanyl.” Word is drug cartels are smuggling very expensive fentanyl in fun, unicorn poop colors in a ploy to destroy this totally drug-free perfect country by luring children into becoming addicts.
There are a lot of plausible theories as to why this myth of fentanyl candy has spread, most of it political. First of all, colorful drugs have always existed for the purpose of being disguised as prescription drugs. It’s not new. Conservative news outlets especially have portrayed it as a very deliberate act by immigrants who are being welcomed with open arms by the hippie, raging liberal Biden administration. They’ve been driving this idea for political gain with zero evidence. Meanwhile, Democratic U.S. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer is asking for $290 million for law enforcement to fund anti-drug initiatives.
I want to also clarify that no one, absolutely no one, is claiming that fentanyl is not a major health crisis in America. I’m not questioning the existence of fatal drugs, even colorful ones, which are not new and are meant to look like prescription drugs. I’m questioning, and debunking, the idea that Halloween candy is compromised and someone’s out to get your kids. For so many reasons, I honestly don’t know where to begin.
But let’s begin with the very obvious one.
Drug cartels are not giving away free expensive drugs–in high demand by actual paying addicts–to your income-less child.
Sure, everything I know about drug dealers I learned from Better Call Saul and Breaking Bad but one thing I can say with absolute confidence is that they’re strictly in the business of making money. Selling drugs is not a passion project they do out of the goodness of their hearts. They’re not the Getty Museum. They’re not philanthropists dedicated to a cultural cause. They’re about that money. And your kid doesn’t have it.
But very hypothetically speaking, let’s say they’re sitting around their infinity pool in their drug lord’s mansion, drinking expensive Scotch, gold chains resting on their hairy chests, saying, You know what, La Pizza Blanco, we have enough money. It’s time for us to pay back our community by giving away hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of fentanyl to the children who otherwise would not get the opportunity to try it. And let’s make it fun and colorful. We take so much. It’s time we give back. That’s what the holiday seasons are about after all.
Let’s say they’re doing this. How exactly are they getting the drugs to the kids? So they’ve gotten past security and smuggled the colorful drugs into Nerds candy or Skittles packaging. What now? Do they wholesale to Target and Walgreens? Or do they buy a house in upper Bel Air and hand them out to kids who come trick or treating at their door? Logistically, how does this work?
I rationalized all this to a good friend, a bff if you will. Her response was You never know. I get what she’s saying. It’s the “better safe than sorry” approach all parents practice until the day we die and can no longer protect our kids. It’s the same reason I make my 8-year-old who is almost my height and weight sit in a booster and buckle up to drive literally 5 houses down to the community pool because I’m too lazy to walk. Though it’s very unlikely we’ll get into a fiery car accident on our quiet cul-de-sac, you just never know.
But in the case of rainbow drugs in Halloween candy, we do know. Because, again, the nature of drug dealing is money. And drug dealers are not counting on your 2nd grader knowing where to find them, arranging for transportation to locate their dealer and then rolling up with their tooth fairy money to buy fentanyl that costs $150-$200 per gram.
I’m not good at math, but I’m guessing if your kid comes home with a Skittles box full of fentanyl you can finally go buy that Gucci Marmont purse.
But that’s not going to happen because, one more time for the people in the back, a drug cartel is not giving out free drugs they can easily sell for thousands of dollars due to America’s unfortunate drug addiction problem which is what we should really be concerned with if we want a better, safer, healthier future for our children. And spreading misinformation does a huge disservice to all of us. Also it’s super annoying. Like think for one minute, for the love of god.
I was at a family event the other week when I heard a kid tell my son, both 8 years old, that some bad guys are putting D.R.U.G.S. (why did he spell it out?!) in their Halloween candy this year and his mom is going to dump all his trick or treating candy and buy him all new bags of candy. Which is an absolute genius move on the part of candy companies but I can’t imagine this being a healthy outlook for a kid.
I’m really glad my parents didn’t create a environment of anxiety around Halloween. They didn’t know any better and had zero intention of having our candy X-rayed for razors and whatnot. Hold up, you’re going to strangers’ homes dressed as Satan to ask for food? Ok, I guess, be back by 9.
Given all the real fears and threats (school shootings being number one for me) we have to deal with, let’s not add a very obvious irrational fear of Halloween. Let their only fear be us stealing their full size Kit Kat bars while they’re asleep, because as their parents it’s our duty to protect them from the very real threat of cavities.
