Ted Lasso got divorced a long time ago now. His ex-wife has moved on, and good for her! I know we’re supposed to feel bad for poor sad-sack Ted, and I do. I’m not made of stone. It sucks to be the dumpee instead of the dumper, and it sucks a lot when your ex has a new flame while you’re still mourning the relationship.
Here’s the thing, though. Why is Ted still mourning? I know he loved Michelle, but come on. First of all, he got over the sex with a new person hump (see what I did there?) really quickly. Why didn’t he ever hook up with Sassy again? I don’t know, she’s delightful! But I guess it was just clear between them that it was casual? Or maybe dating seems too complicated given that she’s his boss’s ride or die.
Still, the man is FAMOUS. He is on TV regularly. His name is in the papers. He’s as beloved as he is widely mocked. Ted Lasso could go into any pub in England get laid immediately. Or, being Ted, he could get a polite dinner date with a peck on the cheek at the end. Or two, or ten.
We have to assume Ted is reluctant. Perhaps he’s afraid of being hurt again. But the best way to recover from heartbreak is to get back out there, even if it’s not serious. So what is wrong with his friends? Why aren’t they setting him up? Why aren’t they, at the very least, nagging him to make a Tinder account? Does Tinder exist in the UK? I don’t know, I’ve been with my husband since the 20th century, I’ve never even seen a dating app with my own eyes. But you know who has? Rebecca Welton!
I ask you, why hasn’t Rebecca gotten Ted on her dating app, Bantr? Is that thing still in existence? It was fantastic for her! Let’s pretend we don’t remember that whole Sam relationship, but dating completely helped Rebecca get her groove back after a tough divorce. You’re telling me she wouldn’t gently nudge Ted in that same direction?
And Keeley! Keeley loves love and she loves a project and she loves Ted. She would’ve had him spiffed up and packaged into a whole Thing before season one was even over. He would have been the hottest middle-aged American in England thanks to Ms. Keeley Jones.
Not to mention I bet she has a ton of friends she could’ve set him up with. What’s stopping you, Keeley? Think of all the hilarious double dates you and Roy could have had with Ted before your breakup that I refuse to acknowledge is real.
Let’s talk about Beard. Ted’s bestie. The one who knows Ted’s heart. Beard understands when Ted needs space, but he also gets that Ted is a lover, by which I mean that Ted needs to love someone. Beard would want that for his friend, so why isn’t he trying to facilitate a romance? It’s as simple as playing Have You Met Ted while grabbing a beer after work!
Or Beard could have Jane set Ted up with one of her pals. Maybe it would help her feel less threatened by their friendship. Or maybe it would finally convince Beard that she’s a mess and he should join Ted back out on the market.
And Roy Kent! No, not Roy Kent.
Wait, yes, Roy Kent! He has a sister who’s single. She’s got an adorable kid. Ted’s great with kids. Ted’s great with single moms. Ted’s great with everybody. Who would Roy rather have as a brother-in-law than Ted? Why, Ted Lasso might be the only man on Earth Roy would ever trust to be Phoebe’s stepdad. I’m not saying it would definitely be love and marriage, but I am saying Roy should at least set up a freaking dinner between two single people he loves.
Leslie Higgins is happily married. His wife definitely has some divorced or widowed friends she could introduce to Ted, maybe at a family dinner type situation. Or Sam. Sam bought a restaurant at the end of season two. You know who comes to restaurants? People! People who Sam can set up with Ted. Sam’s got game, we all saw him go after Rebecca with the confidence of a man much older and in a less icky power-imbalanced relationship. I know I said I wouldn’t talk about that, but the point is Sam would know how to help his coach get some dates.
The possibilities are endless, but not one of Ted’s friends are stepping up. What gives, AFC Richmond? GET TED LASSO A GIRLFRIEND.
