Sunday was a bittersweet day for us Successionistas.* Sweet, because the best family drama on television is back. Bitter because it’s only back for one final season.
But, perhaps the scale is tipping a bit more heavily towards sweet — because all signs are pointing to our favorite show ending on a high note. Early reviews of the full season have been stellar, and if Sunday’s premiere is any indication of what’s to come, Succession is going out with the bang it deserves.
I feel like every season of this show gives me a new delusion. The primary one, of course, being that I could fix Kendall Roy if given the chance. (The fact that I’m not alone in thinking this only strengthens my conviction!)
We’re in Succession’s senior year, though, so it’s time to move on to more adult fantasies. To grow with the show.
Fortunately for me, Episode 1, “The Munsters,” handed me my next, very grown-up delusion almost immediately. It is now abundantly clear to me that I could, without a doubt, run a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate. Because the Roy siblings, who have all at various times had a hand in running a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate, seem to know about as much about running a business as I do. Maybe even less. They all seem to share one singular business brain cell between them.
Since the tragic events of last season’s Italian wedding finale (Tom’s betrayal, Kendall’s breakdown, Dasha Nekrasova’s presence), the Roy kids have moved their new-business-venture-slash-daddy-revenge headquarters to Los Angeles. They’re pitching The Hundred, which Kendall describes as “Substack meets MasterClass meets The Economist meets The New Yorker,” to a group of apparently interested investors… and suddenly, I believe in business school. I mean, really? They designed a logo for an MBA rapid-pitch idea and now there are real people standing outside their mega-mansion, seriously considering giving them millions of dollars? I could do that!
Sadly for The Hundred (and the many people it already seems to have promised jobs to), Kendall, Shiv, and Roman are quick to ditch the idea when alerted to the prospect of purchasing Roy rival Nan Pierce’s company, PGM. The siblings pretend to be interested in Waystar Royco’s competitor for professional reasons, but it’s barely concealable that the true reason is because the top bidder is currently none other than Logan.
So where is the Roy patriarch?
At, frankly, the saddest birthday party that’s possible to throw when the party also has bottles of champagne that probably cost more money than has ever touched my bank account in its whole existence. Everyone is there to celebrate (read: get in the good graces of) Logan, and he could not care less — he’s much more focused on closing the PGM deal.
On the guest list (and, for now, #TeamLogan) we have the always dynamic trio of Gerri, Frank, and Karl; Logan’s self-proclaimed “friend, assistant and advisor” Kerry; Willa and Connor, who is debating spending $100 million to secure his 1% of votes in the presidential election; and, of course, The Disgusting Brothers themselves, Tom and Greg.
Greg has gone full insufferable mode, bringing a date who scandalizes the entire party with her Burberry handbag and with whom he has a quickie in a guest room. Tom of course seizes this opportunity to go on a little side quest of humiliating his cousin-in-law, telling Greg a lie (or is it???) that Logan has video cameras in all of his rooms that he watches the footage from every night. (I’ll forgive the showrunners for not showing us Greg’s sex tape confession, only because hearing him describe Logan’s reaction — “He says he finds me disgusting and despicable, but he kinda smiled” — was so great).
Conspicuously missing from the guest list? Logan’s wife Marcia, who, we’re told, is “in Milan, shopping. Forever.” To be honest… she’s won.
After a haunting, nay, chilling rendition of “Happy Birthday,” the party’s main event commences: it’s time to close the Pierce deal.
Succession has had its fair share of laughs — this is the show that gave us “we here for you,” after all — but I would argue that the entirety of the Pierce bidding war is the funniest the series has ever been.
The Roy kids fly someplace vaguely European looking, but it’s also possible that they just took a private jet between neighborhoods in Los Angeles. Greeting them at the door is Naomi Pierce, ex of Kendall and potential current flame of Tom, who has gotten a haircut. And the haircut… is a haircut. I’ve been taught that if I have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all (unless it’s about Dasha Nekrasova).
Enter Nan Pierce — played perfectly, as always, by Cherry Jones — who has been faking a migraine to buy herself five extra minutes without the Roys. She’s frustrated about having to talk through another potential deal, because she just hates numbers. Wait, me too! Again, I have what it takes to run a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate! She complains, “Different people saying different numbers… 8, 9, what’s next?” To which Roman replies, “It’s so confusing, what comes after 9? 9B?” Icons, both!
The real answer, of course, is 10 — billion, that is — which is the number the Roy siblings settle on offering after a shockingly quick and detail-light conversation with their financial advisor. Again, these are three adults who seem unbelievably terrible at business! They picked a number that sounded nice and is definitely way more than PGM is worth, and it doesn’t worry them because they come from the Whose Line Is It Anyway school of business: everything is made up and the money doesn’t matter.
Meanwhile, things are also heating up back at Logan’s party, where they’re on the line with the Pierces as the bidding war continues. Logan complains that no one is making jokes, and demands that everyone make a joke. The snap zoom on Frank’s face when Logan commands him to be funny… that’s cinema, baby! Only Greg steps up to the challenge of roasting his great-uncle, asking, “Where are your kids?” You know what… he deserved that.
Ultimately, the kids’ offer is too good to refuse, and they finally (FINALLY) beat their dad at something. They’ve won the battle, but again… do they actually have the money? Winning the war remains to be seen.
Despite the episode’s wildly high rate of jokes-per-minute, “The Munsters” also gave us two of the saddest scenes of the series.
Now, I want to preface the first one by saying, I in NO WAY feel bad for Logan Roy. Zero sympathy. He is capital-W the Worst. But I do pity him, in a pathetic way. He’s grown old, and he’s spending his aging years continuing to fight for power over his own children. That’s sad! Gross, and stupid, and sad. So when he starts revealing to Colin, his security guy and “best pal” (again, sad!), that he thinks there’s nothing after we die, that this is it… yeah, it’s pitiful. He almost seems to recognize that he’s wasting his time here on earth, and yet has no intention — or ability — to pull himself out of the grind. Sad.
Even sadder? After believing wholeheartedly for three seasons that Tom and Shiv’s was a toxic marriage that was bad for both of them, I was not prepared for their actual decision to divorce to be so heartbreaking. Returning home to New York, Shiv tells Tom that it’s not worth them trying to salvage their relationship, not even giving him the chance to share all the things he still wants to get off his chest (unbeknownst to Tom, Shiv all but promised to divorce him to seal the Pierce deal). Yet, her statements don’t appear too full of conviction, but more like a band-aid she’s ripping off for the sake of the sale. Sarah Snook and Matthew Macfadyen are, as always, stunning actors, and their deliveries of the final, defeated, “Yeah, we gave it a go,” were honestly devastating. Officially launching the “Succession, Stop Making Me Feel Things For Terrible People” challenge!
So with that, the final Roy showdown is on. I have little idea what to expect in the rest of the season, but I do know that if we don’t see Kieran Culkin and Alexander Skarsgård kiss I will be filing a written complaint to Casey Bloys himself!
*It’s the final season. Let me have my last chance at making Successionistas a thing.
