If there’s one thing I love, it’s a period romance. And if there’s two things I love, it’s period romances AND modern vibes. And if there’s three things I love, it’s period romances, modern vibes, and humor. And if there’s FOUR things I love, it’s period romances, modern vibes, humor, and a retelling!
(And if there’s five things I love, it’s all of those things and naps.)
So Rosaline, starring Kaitlyn Dever, is the perfect movie for me.
You all remember Romeo and Juliet, right? Star-crossed lovers who seem more annoying the older you get? Well, if you cast your mind all the way back to eighth grade English class, you may recall that Romeo is lovesick at the start of the play, because he’s just been dumped by a girl named Rosaline. Then he meets Juliet and it’s instant love, marriage, and death like he never even heard of his ex. He’s fickle, is what I’m saying.
What this movie supposes is that Romeo didn’t get dumped, but rather that his breakup with Rosaline was a misunderstanding. We see the entire story from her point of view, with the added twist that in this version Rosaline is also close to her cousin, Juliet. Romeo has a thing for complicated relationships, apparently.
We open with our hero, an idiot, sneaking onto Capulet land to climb a balcony and whisper those familiar, poetic words to his loved one. Rosaline, played to snarky perfection by Dever, wants to know why he’s talking that way, letting us in on the fact that this is a modern-language Shakespearean setup. The characters use 21st century verbiage in a 14th century setting, and that’s absolutely fine with me. Rosaline goes along with Romeo’s poetry because it’s kinda hot, until they’re interrupted by her dad.
He’s Bradley Whitford, he’s grumpy but loveable, and he really wants to marry her off. It’s his job as a father, after all. But Rosaline wants to marry for love, so she’s in the habit of pretending to be insane in order to drive away the old man-suitors her dad finds. Her marriage prospects are not looking good.
Rosaline doesn’t care, she just wants to make out with Romeo. Her confidante, like Juliet’s in the play, is her nurse. Her “registered nurse,” who is none too happy that everyone thinks she’s just some kind of maid. Minnie Driver takes on this role and even though she can do it in her sleep, it’s still fun to watch her. The nurse knows Romeo is a dim bulb, but Rosaline doesn’t want to hear it…until the night he tells her he loves her and she finds that she can’t say it back. Why? She’s not sure.
(It’s because he’s an idiot.)
Nevertheless, Rosaline tells Romeo to meet her at the masquerade ball her family is throwing, and she plans to make everything right there. Alas, her dad chooses that night to send her off on yet another blind date with a potential husband and by the time she gets to the party, everyone has left and Romeo and Juliet have met and fallen instantly in love the way only two incredibly young and sheltered kids can.
It all spins out of control from there, as we know only too well. It was only at this point in the movie that I began to feel uncomfortable. I was having so much fun that I forgot to realize how, you know, awful the story of Romeo and Juliet is.
Here we are out on a date with Rosaline and her new suitor–this one young, handsome, and sarcastic–as we see Romeo meet Juliet. Rosaline and Dario trade witty barbs but…can this really be a comedy? Two teenagers killing themselves and causing collateral damage to their families and friends?
Turns out, yes! Sure, Tybalt still gets killed, but he’s an asshole. And Mercutio dies, but we hardly even notice. (OK, fine, it’s a bit bumpy here. People dying is still not amusing.) Paris gets to live, though! He’s a fun gay confidante of Rosaline’s who is more than happy to get into a LONG engagement with Juliet in order to hide his sexuality.
Instead of focusing on all this violence, we spend our time with Rosaline, who, still wearing the “Romeo and Rosaline” necklace her ex incompetently engraved for her, spends all her time trying to win him back. The first thing she does is puncture her young cousin’s infatuation with Romeo by quoting all his recycled lines of poetry. This newly jaded Juliet goes out to a bar with Rosaline and proceeds to flirt with other guys and just basically learn her worth. She’s way smarter than Romeo, and also smarter than Rosaline. Before you know it, she can see through all the sexist BS. It’s fantastic. I want Juliet to leave her entire miserable storyline! Juliet for president! Let Juliet end the family feud by smashing the whole damn patriarchy.
Rosaline keeps writing love letters to Romeo, which he ignores. Meanwhile, Dario–the suitor who caused her to miss the masquerade ball–is hot, smart, and better than Romeo in every way, which Rosaline ignores.
I don’t know where this movie is going, but I’m enjoying the ride.
Unfortunately, we do eventually find our way back to Shakespeare’s bummer of a plotline. But Rosaline manages to keep things light by just saying what we’ve all always thought.
Is it possible for Romeo and Juliet to have a happy ending? Kind of! Or at least it’s possible for Rosaline and her hotter, better suitor to have one while Romeo and Juliet get to live. In exile, with no money, married after knowing each other for two days when they were like fourteen, while their families think they’re dead. (Spoiler!)
WHATEVER. The point is, this movie is funny and pretty and sexy and tells a familiar tale in an unfamiliar way. Plus, Kaitlyn Dever gets to be happy in it! I feel like she rarely plays happy characters. If you’re looking for a perfect way to turn off your brain for a rainy afternoon, Rosaline is it.
