Now that Marvel — as well as much of the world — has gone full Multiverse, speculation is rampant about what superhero variants we will see hit the big screen. If 2017’s laughably bad horror classic Wish Upon was right about anything, it’s that today’s youth would be talking like this.
We’ve already seen plenty of Spider-Mans, both in the MCU and the comics, for better and much, much worse. But while Marvel mines its archives to see what interesting variations on classic characters they can resurrect in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there are plenty of examples that will be intentionally overlooked. Be they uninspired, controversial, or downright offensive, here are more Marvel variants you’ll never see in the MCU.
Ape-Vengers vs. Zombies
It’s a proven fact that monkeys and zombies sell comics. If your sales numbers are in the toilet, you throw a zombie or an ape on the cover, and you’re back in business. But Marvel overplayed its hand in 2009 with the release of Marvel Zombies: Evil Evolution.
Pitting zombified heroes against the simian variants dubbed the Ape-Vengers proved a little too dumb. Perhaps you are familiar with the phrase “hat on a hat.” Here’s Bill Hader to explain, but basically the point is this: Zombies. Good. Monkeys. Good. Zombies AND Monkeys. The dumbest thing you can imagine.
Ex-X-Men
Moving on we have this 1989 tale from What If #9, which begs the question, “What if the X-Men died on their first mission?” The answer is that Professor Xavier would be very sad for a little bit.
In this story, our original team of X-Men are trapped on an island that turns out to be a sentient biological superbeast that feeds off of mutant’s life force. Professor X responds by gathering another team of super-powered mutants from all across the globe and sending them to the death island. This plan does not go well.
For reasons not explained or justified, the X-Men use “electromagnetic means” to momentarily turn off gravity around the island. In doing so, our heroes and the island are yeeted off the face of the planet and quickly die in outer space.
Xavier manages to overcome his guilt a getting all of his students murdered in the icy void of space, but perhaps this isn’t the type of determination we need to see in the MCU.
Daredevil, But Even More Sad
Audiences were thrilled to see Matt Murdock finally make his way to the MCU. But what if instead of the beleaguered Daredevil we know from the Netflix series, he was even more miserable?
In this 2004 comic, writers consider what would have happened if Daredevil love interest Karen Page had not died at the hands of evil hitman Bullseye in what is really one of the greatest storylines in Daredevil history. Well, as mentioned in our previous entry, he gets sad for a bit. Then he murders his arch villain, the King Pin. And then he is sentenced to prison.
Yep. He serves 15 years in prison (knocked down from his original 44-year sentence). By the time he’s released, Karen Page has vanished after relapsing into her well-documented addiction issues.
It’s a very well-told and beautifully illustrated comic, but not the sort of thing we need to dwell upon.
Body Horror
Now for the lightning round. In 2009, Marvel enlisted some of the top names in alt comics to create an anthology series featuring Earth’s mightiest heroes. As you can imagine, these creators took the ball and ran with it all the way to the weirdest part of the endzone. Particularly Johnny Ryan, who provided some of the most absurd takes on these well-known heroes.
The first one worth mentioning is Namor with breast implants. While we have yet to see Namor make it to the MCU, I highly doubt he will be rocking chesticles.
Next we have porn-hungry Aunt May. Although there’s nothing wrong with a woman rekindling her sexual appetite later in life, it is unlikely that Marvel and Disney will have characters spotted renting adult videos. Mainly because the internet also exists in the MCU.
Finally, and this one might be my favorite, we have one of comics’ most beloved and badass heroes. Yeah, it’s your favorite Canucklehead. The best there is at what he does, but what he does best isn’t very nice. Yes, it’s Wolverine. And he’s popped his claws into his anus.
Snikt indeed, you lovable moron. Luckily, he has that healing factor.
Well, thus ends another roundup of Marvel variants that belong on the Island of Misfit Toys. While you may never see these characters make their big-screen debut, it’s always fun to sift our hands through the massive sand box that is Marvel’s back catalogue and see what discarded treasures come to the surface. Until next time, keep dreaming, true believers.
