Now that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has ripped open the multiverse, there is no telling what variations on our favorite characters we will see on screen. But I can tell you which fresh takes on our beloved web slinger we won’t be seeing. Here are five Spider-Man variants you’ll never find in the MCU.
Spider-Man: Reign
Starting off, we have one of the most infamous moments in the long history of our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Back in 2006, Marvel launched the grim and gritty miniseries Spider-Man: Reign. This four-issue arc gave Spider-Man his own take on a Dark Knight Returns-style future dystopia.
We find an aged Peter Parker once again donning the Spidey suit in an attempt to take back New York City from authoritarian control. In this universe, Parker’s wife, Mary Jane, is long dead, but it is the nature of her death that has left many scratching their heads so long after the series’ release.
In a tearful and overwrought scene, Parker reveals that Mary Jane died of cancer. The cause of which being all the years of exposure to Parker’s radioactive semen. Yep.
Now picture Tom Holland in old-man makeup delivering these lines while holding a mummified Zendaya. Literally no one wants this.
Flash Thompson’s Captain Spider
Marvel proposed a few possible Spider-persons back in What If #7, starting with Flash Thompson’s Captain Spider. A longtime bully to Peter Parker during their high school days, Thompson finds himself on the receiving end of a radioactive spider bite in this comic and assumes the identity of Captain Spider.
You’re unlikely to see this iteration of old web head because Thompson’s first act after getting super powers is accidentally snapping the neck of a professional wrestler during a match in an attempt to impress two ladies he hopes to sleep with. What a hero.
Wanted for murder, Thompson becomes a masked vigilante and begins to fight crime. This leads to a run in with the Vulture. Thompson battles the winged menace high above New York City, only to plummet to his death.
You see, Thompson lacks the scientific knowhow that Peter Parker possesses, so he never invented the web shooter that our Spider-Man uses to swing around town. Instead of thwipping his way to safety, Captain Spider sinks like a stone. But he’s not the only one to suffer such a fate.
Spider Jameson
That same issue of What If? also provides a peek at what would happen if John Jameson, the astronaut son of J. Jonah Jameson, had gotten spider powers. The biggest deterrent to reviving Spider Jameson is simple: He is dressed up like an asshole.
Faring slightly better than Captain Spider, Jameson uses his NASA connections to get outfitted with a jetpack he uses to fly around the city. Unfortunately, the jetpack runs out of fuel while Jameson is attempting to rescue an out-of-control rocket capsule.
Spider Jameson meets his demise when the capsule crashes on top of him as they return to Earth. So long, rocket man.
Celebrity Spider-Man
Moving on to What If? #19, we find Peter Parker dropping out of college to pursue a career in Hollywood. Capitalizing on his super abilities, this Spider-Man falls for the trappings of celebrity and forsakes his old life.
Oddly, Parker stars alongside Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman in the Amazing Spider-Man film. I guess they didn’t have a Superman movie in this universe.
In a neat coincidence, this story features the shocking reveal of Spider-Man’s secret identity to the world — just like the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home and apparently the fictional sequel to this universe’s Spider-Man movie. Crazy. It’s Spider-Mans all the way down.
Anyway, Parker responds to having his identity revealed by having some armed thugs threaten to murder J. Jonah Jameson. That’s, umm, a bit out of character, but here we are.
Naturally, Spider-Man leverages his fame to get the licensing and promotional rights to all of Marvel’s greatest heroes and buys a comic book and film production company. Spidey then uses his connections to frame J. Jonah Jameson for involvement with the mob. This effectively ruins Jameson’s life and turns him to crime.
For some reason, I can’t imagine the folks at Disney presenting Spider-Man as a greedy, petty media mogul only concerned with churning out one superhero movie after another.
Spider-Punisher
This 2018 comic asks the question “What if instead of webs, Spider-Man shot bullets?” It’s not a great question.
This universe has Peter Parker gun down the man who killed his Uncle Ben. He then builds chain guns into his web shooters and becomes a combination of Spider-Man and the Punisher. Aggro Spidey makes quick work of the Sinister Six because, well, guns. See how much less fun and entertaining this is.
He just shoots Green Goblin in the heart. Then Peter and Gwen Stacy live happily ever after as mob violence ravages New York. Thanks, Spidey!
Spider-Punisher may be effective, but I doubt we’ll see MCU’s web head advocating for the all-out execution of his entire rogues gallery. Now, please bring back Jon Bernthal as the Punisher instead.
