People who love Travis Kelce tend to be people who drafted him on their fantasy football teams and not people who were soundly whooped by him over and over, every single fucking year. I have been banking on this dude losing a step for the better part of the last decade, but he never does. He just goes out there, catches 11 balls for 141 yards and three scores and then I lose.
Again.
Those are fucking wide receiver numbers, first of all. So that’s bullshit. You’re telling me my Justin Jefferson and George Kittle can’t beat your Travis Kelce and Josh Palmer? Josh Palmer isn’t even a legit NFL starter! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! WHY HAVE THE FANTASY GODS FORSAKEN ME?
But I digress.
Travis Kelce hosted Saturday Night Live, fresh off of winning his second ring and make people like me, who hate his fucking guts and wish they could shoot his cocky ass into the sun, actually like him. He came off as a great dude and while he stumbled a little bit, his effort and overall charisma really kept this episode going. Unlike other hosts that the staff clearly tried to minimize or hide because they’re not funny (ahem Michael B. Jordan) they gave Kelce the lead role in sketches, and used cast members to set him up for killer punchlines, and he delivered with impressive colors. His personal score ended up being the fifth highest host score of the season, mostly based on him killing his punchlines.
Be sure to check out the NFL Gives Back sketch, which was cut for time. Not a good choice, because it was one of the funniest parts of the night.
The show started out rocky but had some decent sketches. I’ve already seen Straight Male Friend shared in my friend group even though I thought it fell just shy of greatness. Please Don’t Destroy sketches are being moved up to more prominent positions in the batting order, signaling a quantum shift of sorts.
Another week of pretty big absences for players like Molly Kearney and Andrew Dismukes and the show is still trying to figure out how to replace the great Cecily Strong. Dismukes gets like two words to say every week and nails them. He’s turned out to be weirder and more interesting than I expected, which is super fun. James Austin Johnson is making a surge to repurpose the old Beck Bennett gig for himself. In general, a decent effort but not much in the support department joke-wise to bump up the scoring for ol’ Travis Kelce.
It was awesome to see Jason Kelce though. That dude is a legend.
A Word on Laughstatting:
Everyone has a different sense of humor, so the things that I laugh at will most likely not be the exact same things you laugh at. The goal of this exercise is not to convince anyone, but to say “here’s what worked for me” and hopefully, if our tastes are similar enough, maybe it worked for you too and the overall stats for the season will have some value. It also strangely works if you have polar opposite taste to me, because you’ll know the episodes that were a hit for me might not land with you.
I try to be very generous with my rankings in the hopes that eventually a more clear picture of the cast and season will shape itself and contribute to some additional insight. And we get charts.
Everyone likes charts.
Fox & Friends Cold Open: Dominion Lawsuit
Concept: The dumbest people on television not named Skip Bayless discuss what trash Fox News is
Execution: Crummy
s – James Austin Johnson: “There’s real risk there.”
s – James Austin Johnson: “Every Dominion machine has a little Venezuelan oompa loompa inside.”
s – Kenan Thompson: “Makes me so mad I could just-”
Travis Kelce Monologue
S – Host: “Hostin SNL is that much better baby!”
S – Host: “I’m lying to you all, winning the Super Bowl was way better.”
s – Host: “I do these super eloquent pump up speeches, please watch.”
l – Host: getting bumped mid-more
l – Host: Pat Mahomes impression
S – Host: “It was pretty awkward.”
s – Host: “My brother is actually really happy for me.”
s – Host: “And English too, but French sounds way better.”
S – Host: “If you smoke weed and are bad at school, you can win the Super Bowl twice!”
S – Host: “And instead of watching, people did not.”
l – Host: reacting to his reality TV comment
S – Host: “It should be on Peacock but Peacock said, naw we good.”
American Girl Café
Concept: A weird but stylish dude visits the American Girl Doll Cafe
Execution: Clunky
S – Host: “Nope. Gang’s all here.”
s – Host: “The only list you’ll find me on is the hungriest customer list.”
S – Host: “And frankly, neither does your daughter.”
S – Kenan Thompson: “Uhhhh. Hello?”
S – Host: “I think she just wanted to show her body off.”
Please Don’t Destroy – Self-Defense
l – Host: punching John Higgins
l – Host: punching Ben Marshall
l – Martin Herlihy – PDD: “If I hit this woman, she will die.”
S – Ben Marshall – PDD: Jacking old lady
Mama’s Funeral
Concept: A nurse hosts a funeral for a departed client.
Execution: I wish I had eaten an edible because maybe that would have been the right wavelength for this bizarro almost-a-commentary sketch.
S – Punkie Johnson: “Well good for you mama!”
S – Kenan Thompson: “I’m not gonna let Vanillasaurus Rex over here ruin my mama’s funeral.”
S – Host: “And that’s every penny that she had!”
Straight Male Friend
Concept: Smart and Funny look at being friends with a straight man
Execution: Aaaagh! It was almost great, almost the one you send to everyone, but it fell just short.
S – Bowen Yang: “Straight Male Friend.”
s – Host: “Yo, watch me headshot this bitch!”
S – Bowen Yang: “Low-effort, low-stakes relationship.”
l – Host: “Go, just hit me when you’re back.”
Abby the Ex-Girlfriend
Concept: A looney with quantum tear ducts bumps into her ex in a bar
Execution: Plodding, unfortunately. I love Heidi Gardner but it’s rare for her to be able to carry a sketch this season, which is a massive bummer.
S – Host: “Abby and I went on one date in 2019.”
s – Heidi Gardner: “Where the Saints go marching?”
S – Host: “It’s totally cool.”
NFL Gives Back
Concept: NFL players volunteer to pick up girlfriends for weak men
Execution: Great
S – Host: “I got it from here, boss.”
l – Heidi Gardner: laughing while being carried
l – Ego Nwodim: “Sometimes I wanna be with a man who looks like he could throw my ass over a house.”
l – Andrew Dismukes: “The hell?”
S – Andrew Dismukes: “It’s bigger.”
S – Host: winking reveal
Weekend Update
s – Michael Che: “So I gave up eating bats for nothing?”
l – Colin Jost: “Oh, I’d say it’s more than just okay.”
S – Colin Jost: “Replied TikTok users…”
s – Colin Jost: “Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter aplenty.”
s – Michael Che: “Yeah, but, for what?”
s – Michael Che: “By filming all his sex scenes in Timberlands.”
s – Colin Jost: “Is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing.”
S – Michael Che: “That clam credits his longevity to staying away from the theater.”
S – Colin Jost: “Where their burgers claim they have a west ass patty.”
s – Colin Jost: “I don’t go to quinceaneras.”
S – Sarah Sherman: “Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.”
s – Sarah Sherman: “Me and all the other girls are starving, Colin.”
S – Sarah Sherman: “Despite what you wrote in your book.”
S – Colin Jost: “That’s chapter one?”
l – Colin Jost: “My family watches this show.”
l – Colin Jost: “Absolutely disgusting.”
Family Meeting
Concept: Two parents inform their grown up kids about the new man in their life
Execution: Decent, and surprisingly catchy music.
S – James Austin Johnson: Michael McDonald-esque singing voice
s – Chloe Fineman: “I would guess it’s the guy sitting in dad’s chair playing Streets of Rage 2.”
S – Host: “What up?”
l – Ego Nwodim: “His name is Sucré and he’s a felon.”
s – Devon Walker: listening to guitar
Garrett from Hinge
Concept: A blown-off dude from a dating app shows up
Execution: Very good
S – Bowen Yang: “A Hemsworth brother I didn’t know about.”
l – Bowen Yang: “No matter what, you cannot kill them.”
S – Host: “You changed into that Stewie Griffin t-shirt?”
s – Heidi Gardner: “Will you stop making the same pose as your shirt?”
s – Bowen Yang: “You cannot kill them.”
S – Bowen Yang: “I really wish I didn’t bring poison here.”
l – Host: “You did make him look like a sucka at Buccacino’s.”
Too Hot to Handle
Concept: A dude hooks up with a freakazoid on a dating show?
Execution: I mean, pretty good considering the paper thin premise
s – Host: breaking
S – Chloe Fineman: “You are what you eat so I guess I’m Rodney’s ass.”
l – Chloe Fineman: “Actually I’m 28, I’ve just been through hell.”
