It’s around this time every year, between conference championship weekend and the first agonizing days without that delightful child care known as school, that the old argument gets bandied about once again: There Are Too Many College Football Bowl Games. Don’t worry; I am not here to argue that. That argument is dumb. College football’s postseason is a broken system struggling under the weight of its own meaningless rules like a GMO chicken created solely for meat staggering about on legs the good lord never intended to carry such heft. Bowl games are already a relic of the past completely unnecessary in the aftermath of a (still deeply flawed) playoff system. They are also entertaining as hell. If the notion of a team with a losing record getting an invite to a mid-tier Sun Belt city to do gladiatoresque combat with some nine-win school still smarting over dropping three straight to end its season and purely for the delight of the holiday-basted folks dozing at home doesn’t make you giggle, then may I please offer you the sound of the Whos down in Whoville singing “Fahoofores, Dahoodores,” because you are a Grinch and will curdle the eggnog if you come too near to it.
There are 43 college football bowl games this year, and only three of them are a part of the playoff. Meaning that in the grand scheme of champion-crowning, only those three games actually matter. The other 40 are pure theater. They will produce trick plays and highlights and goofy shit galore. They will bring those dozing audiences to intermittent life with hooting and hollering and marveling at some bonkers play or godlike athletic ability – they will make us all spectators happy simply to spectate. There is no such thing as too many college football bowl games.
What there is is too many bowl games with stupid names. It’s a legacy of the dot-com boom that any strapping young company with money to burn will pay to have its brand slapped upon the vaguely familiar name of a game, theoretically soaking up all of the prestige with which that vaguely familiar name glows like so much holiday radiation. Over the years, the over-branding of bowl games has led to some objectively wonky names. Here, then, is the definitive list of 2022-23’s College Football Bowl Games, ranked in ascending order by how ass-end-up its name sounds.
43. Wasabi Fenway Bowl
Is there a Wasabi Company? Why is it based in Boston? Why does it want in on the lucrative world of naming rights? I don’t care and I’m not looking up the answers to those or any other related questions, because they won’t be as satisfying as the fantasy world I’m concocting in my head. “Wasabi Fenway Bowl” sounds like a spicy hot mess, “Wasabi Fenway” sounds like a digital oracle in a William Gibson novel, and the only way this name could get better is if next year they portmanteau it into “Fenwasabi.”
42. New Mexico Bowl
Simple and direct. Tells you exactly where the game takes place. In doing so, harkens back to the legacy of the very concept of bowl games, which were supposed to be all about a winter-weather reward someplace sunny. And New Mexico is a beautiful state – who wouldn’t want to visit? (A ton of people, judging by the ticket prices.) But if the color commentators don’t bring up the travesty of the Golden Globes snubbing Rhea Seehorn, this will all have been for naught.
41. Cricket Celebration Bowl
This game needs to be played by two teams of violent crickets. Barring that, the halftime show needs to be a cricket marching band singing “When You Wish Upon A Star.” I assume the concession stands sell deep-fried crickets dipped in chocolate.
40. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
True, this is a corporate-esque name, and maybe should be ranked lower. But it’s a corporation dedicated to potatoes – the frumpiest, most steadfast, most George W. Bush-looking vegetable we’ve got. Plus, instead of dumping Gatorade on its coach, the winning team does this.
39. Camellia Bowl
I can’t believe that some world-destroying crypto bros or Roman Roy aspirants haven’t snatched this name up and peed on it yet. Is it 1947? How is this just called the Camellia Bowl? It seems unfathomable.
On that note: Yes, the camellia is the state flower of Alabama, where the game is played. And yes, the camellia is beautiful, as well as noteworthy for being one of the few plants to flower in winter. But it’s also a non-native species. Plant native instead.
38. Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl
“You know what lawn mowers need? An edge.” I can only assume the powers that be at Bad Boy Mowers insist on playing “Bad to the Bone” over the PA for the duration of this game. Also, while I’m aware that Long Island is essentially one giant front yard pockmarked with single-family housing, this game is played at Yankee Stadium. Bad Boy Mowers, why are you sponsoring a bowl game in the least lawnmower-friendly part of the country? I’m probably not edgy enough to understand.
37. Cheez-It Bowl
Sorry, Cheez-Its, but you’re a terrible snack. You’re dry and sharp and you don’t much taste like cheese. You only get consumed because you’re just sitting there, like a sandwich platter at the end of a wake. As the name of a bowl game, though, your product’s quality belies your boldness of purpose: you’re just called the Cheez-It Bowl. There’s not even an attempt at a prestige veneer. I can only assume the Cheez-It suits marched into the NCAA offices looking like a collective relic of the Mad Men era and stated plainly, “We don’t want anyone else’s name on the bowl game. We’re not the ‘Cheez-It Cheddar Bowl at Lombardi Stadium’ or the ‘Cheez-It Gouda Game.’ We’re Cheez-Its, plain and simple, and we want our bowl game to match.” And then turned and left, marching back to the elevator whence they came, leaving a trail of puzzled faces and the smell of factory salt in their wake.
36. Valero Alamo Bowl
Oil and death: quintessential Texas.
35. Duke’s Mayo Bowl
Duke should have to play this game every year they’re bowl-eligible. When they’re not, Duke’s basketball team should have to play.
34. Myrtle Beach Bowl
It’s just like the New Mexico Bowl, only with fewer montages. The only reason it doesn’t rank higher is the game actually takes place at Coastal Carolina University, which is neither a) in Myrtle Beach nor b) on a beach or a coast at all. It’s eleven miles inland. Losers walk.
33. Frisco Bowl
An even more disappointing cool-but-misleading name. This bowl game is in San Francisco, right? Wrong – it’s in Frisco, Texas, a glorified suburb of Dallas. Remember that, UNT Mean Green and Boise State Bronco fans, every time muscle memory gets you singing “Well, the girls are frisky in old Frisco” on the plane ride over.
32. LendingTree Bowl
LendingTree is the rare legacy corporate bowl. I feel like they’ve had their name on a bowl game for as long as I’ve been cognizant. I have no idea what LendingTree is. I’m not going to look them up. They get credit for being around long enough to rid themselves of any quaint pretense – no “LendingTree Camellia Bowl” for these guys, thank you very much – and not an ounce more.
31. TaxSlayer Gator Bowl
This was my all-time favorite dumb bowl name back when it was the TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl. They’ve dropped the “.com” because evidently identifying yourself as a web site is a bit dated. But it’s amazing how much that actually helps the name. “TaxSlayer.com” sounds like falling asleep. “TaxSlayer” sounds like accountants who play D&D and thrash.
30. San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Credit unions are almost uniformly preferable to national and international banks, so I can’t land on this name too hard. It’s just a really clunky name. But seriously, take your money out of big banks. Then the little credit unions will have the capital to invest in more succinct bowl game names. (They’re coming for you, Cheez-Its.)
29. Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl
What in the Sam Hill fuck is this jumble of words? “Gasparilla” is apparently a nod to the 18th century pirate José Gaspar, but if you put it on a menu I’d be none the wiser. And “Union Home Mortgage” sounds like a 19th century pyramid scheme aimed at the pensions of northern Civil War veterans. This name flies right past word salad and lands in word chili.
28. Military Bowl Presented by Peraton
You’re not tripping me up with your fancy rearrangement, Peraton. Stick all the “Presented by”s you want in your sponsorship; you’re still just another company trying to capitalize on an association with the military. This game isn’t required to have any of the service academy teams participate, either; it’s only called the Military Bowl because Northrop Grumman used to be the sponsor.
27. Allstate Sugar Bowl
Almost the Platonic ideal of “meh” bowl game names. Everybody knows what Allstate is; everybody knows what sugar is. There’s neither pizzazz nor curiosity here. Which is fine: the sooner we get to the game, the sooner we can cheer against Alabama.
26. AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Like a magic spell written to put you to sleep.
25. Capital One Orange Bowl
Might as well be called the “Allstate LibertyZone Capital Bowl at Sugar Orange Field.” I thought that combination of words might sound weirdly exciting when jumbled together, but, nope – still struggling to stay awake.
24. TransPerfect Music City Bowl
Twitter is gonna be a nightmare during this game.
23. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
In a more just world, this bowl game would double as a fun midcentury mystery where we all have to put together the clues to find out exactly what R+L Carriers is. Are the R and L the founders’ initials…or the company’s connection to a big Eastern syndicate? Are they carriers the way Los Pollos Hermanos is a carrier? Are the letters an anagram for Steven Marcato?
22. TicketSmarter Birmingham Bowl
If this company wasn’t founded two weeks ago by deeply disgruntled Taylor Swift fans, it needs to tell everybody it was.
21. Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
Back to the Lone Star State again. What goes together better than oil and Texas? Tires and cotton. It’s a proud heritage – that’s what “classic” means, after all.
20. Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl
Tigers are a forest species. This conversation is over.
19. Quick Lane Bowl
I know that “Quick Lane” probably refers to getting an oil change. But if I don’t look it up to confirm, I can hold out hope that it’s actually the storied local tradition of greasing up bowling lanes with motor oil before a birthday party. The world is vast.
18. Guaranteed Rate Bowl
If you have enough money to sponsor a bowl game, why would you put your company’s boring-ass name on it? “Guaranteed Rate” could be anything financial, which is just a guaranteed snooze. Executives of Guaranteed Rate, if you’re reading this, please change the name of the bowl game to, like, the “Snakes and Cannons Bowl” or the “Big Bucket of Money Bowl” or the “Alien Symphony Bowl at Meshuggah Field.” Aliens are a guaranteed upper-tier ROI.
17. EasyPost Hawai’i Bowl
It’s been easy to send something by post for a century. Sending an e-mail or a text is easier still. Even people in Hawai’i can do these things. There is a reason The Postman was a colossal failure: Kevin Costner can shoot the hell out of horses, but he can’t make the mail interesting. And college football can’t, either.
16. TaxAct Texas Bowl
I’m honestly stunned that the humble state of Texas allowed any company, much less one with the word “Tax” in its name, to usurp the reputation of the Texas Bowl. Also that this company is based not in Texas, but in Iowa. Get your shit together, Texas. The Quick Lanes are for bowling, not slip-n-sliding.
15. Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl
Radiance Technologies sounds like Aperture Science. They want you to think they’re just a boring old tech company bringing synergistic energy and team-based applications to blah blah blah your eyes have already glazed over, and meanwhile they’re really trying to bleed the sun’s energy for an interdimensional portal. And they think sponsoring a bowl with a bland, one-size-fits all positive term like Independence will further distract from their apocalyptic goals. I’m on to you, Radiance Technologies. We need the sun so our camellias can grow.
14. Hometown Lenders Bahamas Bowl
You’re called “Hometown Lenders.” Unless that hometown is Nassau, you’re an affront to language and our fragile planet. Don’t give people a reason to fly to the Bahamas. Don’t give people a reason to fly at all. Lend your hometown some shovels and compost and plant some trees. (Natives.)
13. Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Self-evident.
12. RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl
It’s in extremely poor taste for what I can only assume is a roofing insurance company to sponsor a bowl game in the dead center of Hurricane Alley. It’s like snack food companies airing commercials during My 600 Lb. Life. But I do appreciate the dark humor of this move. Well-played, you truly horrible people.
11. SERVPRO First Responder Bowl
Exactly the same as RoofClaim.com, but, via the impenetrable name “SERVPRO,” complete with the neo-business jargon of Radiance Technologies. I tell you what – you stare at the names of these bowl games long enough, and you start to feel a little despair about the world.
10. SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas is an affront to god. Moving on.
9. College Football National Championship Presented by AT&T
Good lord, if that isn’t a wet fart of a name. There’s no drama in it at all. You might as well call it “Sports Ball Match (Final).” It’s the goddamn championship! NCAA, I know a ton of under-employed humanities grad students who will punch this up so hard the Mike Tyson comparisons alone will have your executive vice presidents shitting themselves with laughter. For God’s sake, let’s talk before 2023.
8. Rose Bowl Game
No, really. That’s what it’s called. The gigantic football game played at the Rose Bowl every winter? The oldest continuous college football bowl game in the country? One of the most prestigious bowl games in the entire sport? It’s called the Rose Bowl Game. To distinguish it from the Rose Bowl itself, you see. This isn’t even a wet fart. It’s just sitting and straining atop the toilet bowl – and nothing’s coming. Nothing at all.
7. Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl Presented by Stifel
Going to assume that Jimmy Kimmel bought the sponsorship rights to this game so he could make a second nationally televised apology to Quinta Brunson for treating her Emmys acceptance speech like a toilet at the Rose Bowl Game. And that Stifel is a prominent producer of toilet paper made from recycled greeting cards.
6. College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Vrbo Fiesta Bowl
When the college football playoff began, the idea was that the playoff itself would incorporate the most prestigious bowls into its own format on a rotating basis and thus avoid upsetting the extant bowl hierarchy too badly. Which is how the Fiesta Bowl now takes nine words to say. And yes, I am aware that the Fiesta Bowl was over-named during the BCS era, as were all other “prestige bowls.” There’s a prestige TV joke in here somewhere, but I can’t find it; the thought of tens of thousands of people spending any of their precious time on this earth vacationing in Phoenix has me despairing just as much as any serious prestige TV drama.
5. Duluth Trading Cure Bowl
“Duluth Trading Cure” sounds like a knockoff Jack London story published sometime during the Warren G. Harding administration. If you stare at that phrase long enough, you’ll get the giggles. When you realize you’re giggling without smiling, stop.
4. Cheez-It Citrus Bowl
The heavy balls on those Cheez-It fuckers! They actually double-dipped at the bowl sponsorship buffet! And who doesn’t love the delightful combination of dairy and citrus. Like nuts and gum, it’s one of those timeless pairings.
3. ReliaQuest Bowl
Unless ReliaQuest curates VR adventures from which all of its customers return safe and sound, this is just another nameless bowl sponsored by a company that jammed two words together to make its name. If it were called the EverDeath Bowl, we would know exactly as much about the sponsor and have exactly as much interest in the game. (And those VR adventures are never as safe as they seem.)
2. Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl
Barstool is a cancer; Arizona has been ruined by people. The two are perfect for each other. Place your bets now on whether Barstool will still be a functioning, sponsorship-viable corporate entity by the time Arizona is too hot, even on December 30th, to be habitable at all.
1. College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
The double-whammy of excess verbiage and a corporate sponsor with a deliberately stupid name is, like the Georgia Bulldogs of the last two seasons, just too much to overcome. And my nephew would chastise me if I didn’t point out that technically the full name of this testament to bloat is “The College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl Presented by Delta.” Proportionally, that makes it the War and Peace of college football bowl game names. And, given that everyone still just calls it the Peach Bowl, the full name is also just as often read.
