At this point in Outer Banks, the convoluted Tomb Raider nonsense and the relatively grounded Dawson’s Creek teen melodrama butt up against each other in a way that shocks the senses. A character will be pleading with their parents about their curfew, but it’s so they can go steal the Shroud of Turin. I can’t quite pin down how it feels to watch this show because its parts have become so incongruent. It’s like if you looked down at your newborn child, only for it to open its mouth and the voice of Werner Herzog slips out. It feels off, but not in a way that’s unentertaining.
Anyway, all the teens are back home and news spreads across town that they are alive. Also, Big John B — long thought dead — has returned as well. The sheriff is completely over all this Scooby Doo nonsense and delivers a deadpan “wonders never cease” on a local news broadcast.
Let me tell you, if a handful of beautiful youths rocked back up after disappearing, it would be national news. If they had also survived being stranded on a deserted island, they could purchase all the gilded crucifixes they wanted with the endless amount of offers they’d have.
But since Outer Banks exists outside of the world as we know it, Sarah, JJ, Ki, and Pope all discuss stealing back the massive golden cross that is arriving back in town like it’s their regular Saturday night thing. The only obstacle they seemed concerned about is a lack of transportation. They can steal a priceless holy relic but not an SUV.
At this point in the series, all the characters are so removed from anything resembling reality that they might as well be the Venture Brothers. Pope asks his dad if he can borrow his truck to go steal back an ancient artifact, and his pops is just mildly annoyed about his son’s lack of focus.
Meanwhile John B and his dad arrive in Charleston. It’s so funny to me when the show’s storyline heads back to where it’s actually filmed. They really lean into the local references. They’re referencing specific intersections, which I’m sure adds a layer of credibility to this show about teenagers searching for lost treasure.
As a reminder, the Johns B are looking to retrieve a lost idol that if paired with the deciphered journal will lead them to El Dorado. Dad B understands that viewers have lost track of all this convoluted bullshit because he restates the entire mission in a big exposition dump to John B.
Since this is Metal Gear Solid meets Uncharted, Dad B learns he will need to steal a key card from an elderly museum worker if he wants to find the plunder that brought them to the Holy City. Also, this show remains oddly exacting in the geography of Charleston. Ulysses has fewer local references.
Dad B pressures his son into threatening the kindly museum lady for her bag at gunpoint. And she just gets into her car and leaves. She basically pulls a Jeff from Peep Show.
It’s cold blooded. Museum Lady has that dog in her.
I like that no matter how much crap John B’s been through, nothing hardens a person like being a professional. Yeah, John B, you survived a deep sea hijacking and a deserted island. But have you competed against other people to sell your very limited time on Earth for money? John B’s pretty ass could never strike fear in the heart of the average worker.
Back in the OBX, Sarah and the gang happen upon her ex — Topper, the tip, tip, the tippity top — who they coerce into providing transportation to the crucifix drop point. Once there, Pope and Cleo jump onto a train car that immediately starts speeding away. But don’t worry because Sarah and the rest of the gang are somehow experts in locomotion and know how to safely stop a moving train by applying jumper cables to the track to alter the electrical current.
During all this, Pope and Cleo are caught trying to break into the traincar by Jimmy the Train Man. Jimmy is about to call for backup, but Pope claims that he and Cleo are simply young lovers trying to skip town in order to get married. Jimmy, ever the romantic, obeys the hobo code and allows the wayward couple to escape. Pope promises to name the first of their boxcar children after Jimmy.
The gang loads a crate believed to contain the cross into Topper’s truck. Jimmy spots this crime in progress, his faith in young love most expertly dashed. A police pursuit ensues. JJ acts as a diversion. His motorbike careens off an overpass, but he survives. They manage to escape in Topper’s truck. I’m curious to see if Topper remains a part of this season or just goes to the Outer Banks supporting character farm upstate.
Back in Charleston, John B and his pops easily sneak their way into the museum archives without any form of key card — thus invalidating everything that’s come previously in this storyline. They manage to locate the missing idol. Dad B holds the repaired idol aloft and its gemstone eyes begin to glow in the moonlight. Olmec would be very proud.
John B and his father exit the archives only to find that Limbrey has stolen the van. If you’ll recall, Limbrey enlisted Dad B to track down a mythical cloth, which can allegedly heal her nonspecific “Fall of the House of Usher” disease. He never found this legendary shroud, but that doesn’t stop him from telling a big lie about it.
Dad B recounts the chain of events that led them to finding the shroud. He hands a random cloth over to Limbrey, assuring her that it will most definitely cure her. Limbrey stands and slowly drops her crutches. “I’m healed,” she says, clutching the shroud to her chest. A, ummm, that’s it. John B gets his van back. Apparently they could’ve just given Limbrey any object and promised her it was the mystical source of everlasting life. Fresh off of the attempted mugging of an elderly docent and the deception of a sick woman, our heroes speed away in the van. Cool.
Catching back up with Topper and the gang, the stolen crate spills from the back of the truck. The lid slips off to reveal it’s filled with cement. They’ve been duped. Their heist was heisted. It’s heists all the way down. We then join Rafe and his lackey as they drink and melt down the golden cross. Good.
Despite the fact that Rafe seems like the person most likely to fistfight a traffic sign, he’s also the only character on this show who understands how to monetize anything. Way to advocate for yourself, Rafe. Can’t wait to see how you wisely invest the money in the upcoming episode.
