I’ve been watching a bunch of romance movies lately, until I stopped to realize that I’m watching more about romance than actually pursuing romance. You know what that means–it’s time.
With a deep sigh, you make the decision to get back out there.
“Well, I don’t want to die alone, so I guess I’ll give it another shot,” you say as you begrudgingly re-download Hinge, which you swore off for good after the last failed date. Been there. Done that. It seems like everyone these days has tried online dating. Over the last two years, amid lockdowns and social distancing, it often felt like the only way to meet people. And the common consensus is that none of us don’t particularly like it. At least, that’s the consensus for me and most of my friends.
At this point, it’s rote to wax poetic about how much online dating sucks so instead of doing that, I decided to think more about the why.
It’s always easier in life to blame other people for your own misfortunes, but I’ve been on and off the dating app game for a few years now with little success to speak of, so I had to start considering an uncomfortable alternative: is it possible that the problem is… me?
I’m not saying there’s something wrong with me personally (although past boyfriends might beg to differ), but more so that there’s a problem with how I – and many others – go about online and app dating. There’s an insidious phenomenon I’ve noticed that typically plays out like this: First, you match with a guy and establish a mutual interest and attraction. Then, you proceed to text or message with said guy for days, weeks, sometimes months. Finally, after all that build up, you meet for a date in person and – womp, womp – you’re immediately underwhelmed. “He was nice,” you tell your friends afterwards. “But I don’t know, there just wasn’t a spark.” So you move on, only to repeat the cycle again with the next guy. I’ve seen this exact situation play out again, and again, and again. It’s happened to me, my friends, and maybe it’s even happened to you.
Here’s the problem: it’s natural to want to get to know someone before you meet them in person. You want to make sure you get along and that he’s not secretly a serial killer. But all that messaging back and forth is setting you up for failure because you’re not really getting to know this guy, you’re getting to know the fake version of him that you’ve created in your mind. I’ve dubbed it model man syndrome.
You see, when you text with someone you’ve met online before meeting them in person, something else happens while you’re trying to get to know them: you begin to form a version of the person in your mind. A version which, more often than not, has little basis in reality. You have an idea of what they look like and what their interests are, but you don’t know the whole picture. So you fill out the details in yourself and inevitably, the version you create is slightly better looking, and funnier, and richer, and more suave.
Then you meet the guy in person and – surprise – he pales in comparison to the idealized version you’ve invented. But of course he does! Because in all likelihood, no guy can actually live up to your model man. That doesn’t mean that the very real person standing in front of you now is bad or that it couldn’t work out, but you’re ruining your chance of getting to know this possibly great person simply because they fall short of a fictional character. Model man is cock-blocking you. Model man needs to go.
The advent of model man is not completely your fault. Our fantasies about what a relationship should look like have been fostered and perpetuated by the stream of romantic comedies that Hollywood has churned out since we were mere babes. Our culture is so saturated in weepy love songs; muscled, gun-toting action heroes; and happily ever afters that we’ve forgotten what real love actually looks like. While it might involve some weeping, it’s typically free of high speed chases. Life isn’t a happily ever after – it’s a whirlwind of ups and downs. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. We all know that Hollywood has given us unrealistic expectations about love but knowing and accepting are two completely different things.
Here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to be this way. You can prevent model man from forming, at least to a degree. I know we hate phone calls in our society nowadays, but it’s time to bring them back. When you match with a guy, ask him to talk on the phone or facetime. If he refuses, that’s a red flag in and of itself. We’ve all seen Catfish. Or – here’s a novel idea – just meet in person after you’ve established that he’s probably not a serial killer. Meet in public, don’t bring him back to your place afterward (safety first!), and just talk. Get to know the real him.
One of the common woes I hear from friends about online dating is that they just wish they could meet someone organically in the real world. If you met someone at the gym or Trader Joe’s or… wherever it is people meet these days, do you think you would text for weeks before ever actually going on a first date? Probably not. You’d just go on the date, thus cutting model man off at the pass. Try to replicate that real world romance with the person you meet online.
Now, before you throw rotten tomatoes at me, I’m not saying this phenomenon happens to everyone. I know some people who have met their husbands and wives online. And that’s great! But it does happen to a lot of people and since online dating has become increasingly more common, so has model man syndrome. It’s also something I’ve noticed more among women than men. Why? I have a theory it’s because women are pickier than men, especially when it comes to dating apps. If you don’t believe me, here are some statistics: According to a Pew Research study about online dating, women “are more likely than men to say they have found it very or somewhat difficult to find people that they were physical attracted to (36% vs. 21%).” The New York Times found that when it comes to popular dating app Tinder, men swipe right 46% of the time, meanwhile women swipe right just 14% of the time. Does this mean women have higher standards? I think so, but again, it’s just a theory.
To recap: No one is perfect. Don’t let your pursuit of perfection be the enemy of the good. Who knows? Maybe good can even grow into perfect if you give it the chance. Ditch the texting in favor of a phone call, Facetime, or real live date so you can say goodbye to model man and hello to real love (maybe). Or keep texting away into oblivion and keep falling for fictional characters – you do you! But remember: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, so try switching it up next time! What do you have to lose?
