The Antagonist’s Holiday Gift Guide for Dads with a Secret Second Family

Dustin Waters
Dustin Waters is a writer from Macon, Ga, currently living in D.C. After years as a beat reporter in the Lowcountry, he now focuses his time on historical oddities, trashy movies, and the merits of professional wrestling.

Another Christmas and Dad’s not around. That’s OK. He’s busy. Busy with his secret second family. 

But that’s no reason to leave him off your gift list. In fact, you probably want to try your best to get him the perfect gift. If only so that you can beat out your siblings several time zones away for the paternal attention you’ve all been deprived of your entire lives. 

It’s for this reason that we at The Antagonist have included this very special, very specific gift guide for those dads who found that one family just wasn’t enough. Here are our top picks. 

Pilot’s Uniform

A Cut Above Uniforms

Even though your dad’s deception is readily apparent, polite society requires that we obscure his duplicitous nature. Even if only at a superficial level.

So why not get him a fancy pilot’s uniform to show the neighbors that he’s just out of town half the year because he loves flying the friendly skies?

Birthday Reminder App

Keeping dates straight is hard enough when you’re constantly shifting zip codes. Now add the challenge of a second family dynamic into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a real headache. 

Help Dad lighten the load with a handy app that tracks the names and birthdates of all his various children and wives scattered across the country. Yes, even the incredibly prolific impregnator and bluesman Screamin’ Jay Hawkins himself could keep track of the important dates of all 57 children he sired with such a helpful tool. 

The 48 Laws of Power

This popular 1998 self-help book written by Robert Greene will help Dad maintain just the right mindset to wield paternal control and ultimate deception over those he claims to love the most. 

You know how Dad is always thinking about the Roman Empire? Well, Greene was in the same mindset when he pitched the book on Julius Caesar that would ultimately become The 48 Laws of Power

Dad can join the likes of Kanye West and disgraced former American Apparel CEO Dov Charney in citing this book as a source for their own personal philosophies. Staying on the grind is vital when you are pulling double duty in the dad department. So give yours a little inspiration this holiday season. 

Tin Mad Men Poster

Regardless of which home this adorns, this tin Mad Men poster bearing a classic Don Draper witticism is guaranteed to be the thing Pop stares at while drinking. 

What better piece of art to accent those dark nights of the soul when your wayward Dad thinks back to staying up past his bedtime to greet his own father? In he stumbled, smelling of a strange perfume, with lipstick on his collar. 

“Hey, boy,” he said. His last drink still glimmering in his eyes. 

“Let’s not tell Mom about this, OK? I had a little car trouble, and I don’t want her to get worried.”

“Yeah, Dad, I promise,” your father recalls saying all those years ago. The original sin that set him off on such a sordid path later in life. 

All these years later, all the lies and miles traveled, the time lost, and what does he have to show for it? 

Well, a bitchin’ Mad Men sign thanks to you this holiday season. 

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