Hey, Ted Lasso, the fuck is this?
Because in episode ten “International Break,” returning vulgarian Edwin Akufo says they’re Chicago hotdogs as enjoyed by the likes of Scottie Pippen, Obama, and Ferris Bueller (and that last one isn’t even verifiable. We never see Ferris eat a hotdog. He eats nachos at the Cubs game and later claims to be Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago, but we never see Ferris consume an encased meat). I cannot tell you enough, the fuck they are.
You’ll have to forgive the poor quality, but I was lunging at my laptop to grab a photo of what can only be described as slander against the city of Chicago. That’s what you think of as a Chicago dog? THE FUCK ARE THE POPPYSEEDS, TED?
YOU GIVE US A NAKED BUN? WHY? HOW DID WE HURT YOU? BECAUSE, FUCK YOU, THIS IS TOO FAR.
You see those two little angel wings of green between the tomato and pickle? Those are sport peppers. Little, crunchy, spicy, pickled peppers. They’re the best thing on the hotdog. You could eat a dog with only mustard, relish, and sport peppers, and you’d be getting the entire Chicago dog experience. BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE IT WITHOUT THE PEPPERS.
Also, why is your hotdog that color (phrasing)? Chicago hotdogs are 100% all-beef Vienna sausages. There’s no reason to ever have anything else. This is why we don’t hand out our dogs from a cart like they’re flyers for some guy’s open mic set. After boiling, you throw them on the grill for a minute to crisp it up. If the skin of your hotdog does not snap with the first bite, make an actual snapping sound, you’ve done it wrong.
Now you could argue I’m being a purist about what constitutes a Chicago dog (to be clear, it is: all beef hotdog, poppyseed bun, yellow mustard, onions, sweet relish in a shade of green that usually indicates radioactivity, tomato slices, pickle spear, celery salt, sport peppers), but yeah, of course, I am. Akufo called it a Chicago dog. You can’t call it a Chicago dog, talk about all the famous Chicagoans who’ve eaten it, and then not show us a Chicago dog. Instead, you show us a hoagie that caught cholera?
Whatever disrespect the Windy City showed you (I guess when Ted was tripping balls in fake Amsterdam Chicago, which wasn’t even us, by the way) that would make you do this to us, be sure we will revisit upon you. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT WE DO TO YOUR FISH AND CHIPS.
Also, you don’t really need the celery salt. I usually take my dogs without.
