Eurovision streamed live on Peacock this year, which let Americans get a peek at a sacred international tradition that the United States hasn’t managed to directly purchase, co-opt and/or ultimately ruin. It’s a good thing. The inspired weirdness and uber cheese of Eurovision may not align with your typical red-blooded Capitol-storming American, but is a delight for anyone who finds a home in joy.
OVERVIEW
Orly was new to Eurovision and took a look from a neophyte’s perspective, but basically you have a bunch of countries — mostly European — who send a performer in the country’s name to try and win a glass microphone and everyone goes mental over it. There are internal national competitions to see who will represent each nation followed by two semi-final events and a grand final.
Five nations “who make the biggest financial contributions to the European Broadcasting Union,” France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the UK — known as the big five — automatically get into the grand final along with the winner of the previous year.
Last year’s winner, Ukraine, would have hosted this year’s event, except for a little thing where Russia is committing atrocities on a daily basis in their nation, so last year’s runner up, the United Kingdom, stepped in to host on behalf of Ukraine. The UK did a remarkable job, and in not being the host nation, the host city of Liverpool was able to gush about Ukraine in a way that felt sort of appropriately over-the-top. It would have seemed jingoistic of a nation had beaten the drum for Ukraine the way Liverpool did, but it ended up being magical.
Postcards
I don’t know if anything feels less understandable to your typical jaded American than the Eurovision postcard, which is a series of shorts identifying the artist, then connecting edificial structures from their nation to both Ukraine and the UK. I loved the format. But all the smiling and lack of edge was disorienting to me. I don’t understand basic niceness anymore. I always imagine there’s a hidden agenda, but in Eurovision, it appears the niceness is the point.
Some Semi-finalists Got Screwed
There were a few great semi-final acts that somehow didn’t make it to the final, most notably, Iru from Georgia.
Georgia was one of the best performances of the whole damn shindig, but didn’t make the final. That felt nuts. Echo, by Inu, was outstanding.
There were a few nations on the cusp that I think should have made the cut to the final, like Azerbaijan and Latvia, but voters decided on other acts ahead of them. Acts like Slovenia and Serbia advancing left me scratching my head. But if there was one constant as an American viewer, it’s that my criteria is clearly not their criteria.
The Official Winner
Sweden won, thanks largely to the national judges section of the vote. Each country has 12 votes and they ascribe them to whatever nation their judges decide on. I watched in a stunned awe as country votes rolled in one after another for Sweden, and, confoundingly, Italy. Sweden I get. It was a very good performance though I’ll admit that during the semi-final I mused that Loreen felt like a budget Tina Turner with nail game. In fairness, she was solid. Was I blown away by the costume/staging/choreography/affect? No, ma’am. But I can’t take anything away from her. A win is a win is a win.
Italy, on the other hand, was outright boring and yet they ended up in 4th place. I felt like I was taking crazy pills as those votes rolled in. I don’t get it.
To my eye, four of the vaunted “Big 5” all laid an egg. Italy was boring. Germany was prime Germany but a shoulder shrug. France leaned on a tower gimmick that couldn’t mask the lack of excitement for their performance and Spain was forgettable. Only the UK delivered, in a way, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
Who Should Have Won If Vibe Mattered
Finland. Hard stop. They were the runner up and it felt like they might pull off a come from behind win. They had the energy and the audience with them, but somehow, the world chose a Borg queen with anteater nails. Okay.
Who Should Have Won if Creativity Mattered
Croatia. Hot damn. I don’t know what the hell Eurovision is for if not for this, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s a hell of a commentary on Russia from the power position of middle aged men in tighty-whities. Eurovision is meant to be decidedly apolitical but hearing these dudes sing ‘Mama bought a tractor’ over and over again as a way to mock “Mother” Russia and Vladimir Putin was amazing.
Who Should Have Won If Girl Power + Catchiness Mattered
Norway! There were two main themes to Eurovision 2023: anti-war stances and empowered women. This song is so goddamn catchy and I loved the idea of a Queen of all kings. Badass.
Beware: you will hum this for days if you listen.
Who Should Have Won if Straight-Up Pop Catchiness Mattered
Three main entries in this category, though a case could be made for Poland and Switzerland and Estonia as well.
First of all, Monika from Lithuania. This song starts out as a sad crooner and then before you know it, at the 1:04 mark, some catchy backup vocals kick in all of a sudden you’re hooked and happy.
Belgium. This was fun as hell.
The UK. Is this the best vocalist at the competition? No. But sometimes a song gets in your brain and stays there. In addition to the catchiness of the song, I’m especially fired up about the messaging. ‘I had a dude cheat on me but rather than lash out or react or wallow in self pity, I wrote a song.’ I love that sentiment!
Who Should Have Won If Performing A Summoning Ritual To Raise A Vampiric Dragon Lord Mattered
Albania! I really enjoyed their act. There was a traditional hanki dance and cultural garb. It was the only family performance that featured a mom and a dad singing with their fam. In general, I thought it was great, but if you squint it definitely has the vibe and color palette of a summoning ritual.
Who Should Have Won If A Pagan Fertility Ritual Mattered
Moldova. I adored this performance. The best hair game in the whole damn tournament, and the choreography to maximize it. There’s a little person in a mask on the recorder and two Jason Momoa style insane drummers. The main shaman looking dude has the unique ability to be a guru but not insufferable. I dug the hell out of this, and the song is catchy as hell.
Who Should Have Won if Comedy and Literary References Mattered
Austria. ‘Who The Hell Is Edgar’ was a treat. It featured a huge screen with the word UGH on it, and a joke in the song saying “at least it pays to be funny.”
Who Should Have Won if Gorgeous Ferocity Mattered
I laughed when I first saw the Israel performance because it felt like a hundred people had given a million dollars each to finance a slick, airtight routine. Beautiful woman. Check. Catchy song. Check. Great production value. Check. Cool Dancing. Check. It had it all and was in the top 3 of the overall vote.
Armenia. Ditto, basically, but with less polish. Still, those eyes alone might launch a thousand ships in a different era.
Who Should Have Won For Real Though
Czechia. This performance had everything. Amazing and inventive sound, powerful visuals, slogans like WE’RE NOT YOUR DOLLS, a message of women’s empowerment and mesmerizing choreography. There’s this moment around the 2:40 mark when the women hold out their braids with their right hands while walking in a procession to the circular stage and then, one at a time, on the beat they drop their braids while staring at the camera. It was a profound vision of protest and defiance all at once. Truly sensational.
In addition, you have a complete girl power battalion of Slavs: Czech, Bulgarian, Slovenian and Russian women united to singe in three languages. Watch the video below to see a full translation of the lyrics, with lines like “you can’t tie our sister down” about Ukraine.
This was a tour de force, where even the name Vesna is derived from the Slavic goddess of spring. It would have been a hell of a sense of renewal to see this group walk away with a victory.
Despite this, Eurovision 2023 was the most watched Eurovision of all time, and I can only imagine that the future shows will be even bigger and the votes will remain just as confounding to the average American viewer.
