With the success of the Barbie movie comes the realization that this artistic and insightful cinematic feat is part of what can be called the Mattel Cinematic Universe. As the New Yorker reports, Mattel may have as many as 45 projects planned for production based on the company’s intellectual properties.
Of those, fewer than 20 have been announced. This includes an “edgy” Barney the Dinosaur movie helmed by Daniel Kaluuya, another stab at the Masters of the Universe franchise, and an American Girl doll movie described as a mix of 2019 comedy Booksmart and the Bill and Ted franchise.
With that in mind, let’s take a stab at the final products that will come from this really gross takeaway from Barbie’s success.
Polly Pocket
Featuring Emily in Paris star Lily Collins and helmed by Lena Dunham, we see the director return with a spiritual sequel to her breakout film, Tiny Furniture.
Polly is an aimless art school graduate touring Europe on a gap year that’s stretched out over 18 months. Suddenly her family’s investments take a serious hit, and Polly is forced to return to America.
Not only has her endless holiday finally come to a sudden end, but now Polly must help her wealthy family consolidate all their belongings into a much smaller rental property in Rhode Island. While Polly initially balks at the new cramped living situation, she finds herself growing closer to her parents — as well as a rough and taciturn clammer who catches her eye.
UNO
Brilliant mathematician and physics expert Juan Uno is the last man on Earth… or at least he thinks he is. Then one day he is suddenly captured by a roving post-apocalyptic cult obsessed with one thing: finding a way to reverse time and prevent the fall of civilization.
Juan is forced to use his expertise to travel back into time. Once there, he forms a close bond with the woman who will go on to be his mother, finally seeing her for the first time as her own person and not just a parent.
Juan knows there is no escape from the world’s dark future. But he can use this precious time to enjoy the present with the woman who raised him. Think 12 Monkeys meets Booksmart.
Magic 8 Ball
A group of young teens uncover an old Magic 8 Ball in their attic.
“You wanna see if it still works,” Mac says to his friends.
“Be careful,” Teddy says to his older brother, “We don’t know what that thing’s capable of.”
“Oh, cram it, dweeb,” says Tina in her usual crude fashion. “I’m not afraid of some dumb toy.”
“I know what to ask,” Mac says with a suspicious grin. “Is Teddy gonna get his ass kicked tomorrow in gym class?”
“Shut up, Mac. Stop playing around,” Teddy says, jerking at his brother’s sleeve.
The Magic 8 Ball slips from Mac’s hand and rolls across the floor. The three rush to retrieve the portentous sphere. Teddy is the first to pick it up, his face shocked as he reads his fortune: “Outlook not so good.”
But the following day in gym class proves uneventful for Teddy. As do all the days that follow. Wonder and magic slip from Teddy’s life, much as it does the others.
Years later Teddy rediscovers the family’s old Magic 8 Ball and hands it down to his teenage son. After getting stoned one afternoon, the son cracks open the Magic 8 Ball with a hammer so he can drink the blue liquid inside.
Hot Wheels
You know the big race from Ready Player One — the one with all the most recognizable vehicles from across your favorite movies, shows, comics, and games? Well, it’s just that, but for 180 minutes. The end credits are accompanied by a somber orchestral cover of “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” by Limp Bizkit.
Matchbox
Due to its inclusion of an openly gay character and women driving, the Hot Wheels movie is framed as woke propaganda from Hollywood leftists. To capitalize on this, the Matchbox movie is marketed as “The Real Toy Car Movie for Real Americans.”
While not deviating from Hot Wheels’ formula or overall message, Matchbox will be touted as its antithesis and the cure for what ails the country. When the film underperforms next to Hot Wheels, claims will begin to surface that elite Hollywood liberals and movie theater chains conspired to sabotage the film’s release. Dean Cain will place it on his list of the year’s best movies despite never watching.
View-Master
Bert has seen things in black and white his entire life. But he gains viral fame when a video is posted online of his kids gifting him special glasses that allow him to see color for the first time.
Yet as the online attention — as well as the experience of seeing more of the color spectrum — begins to dwindle, Bert begins seeking more and more highs.
This leads him to an experimental procedure that would theoretically allow Bert to see beyond the visual spectrum, perhaps even through time and space. The only question is… can his mind comprehend or even contain what is about to be brought before him?
Thomas the Tank Engine
Think Pink Floyd’s The Wall meets Booksmart. Thomas is a bright student growing up under the shadow of Thatcherism. Tired of the depressing backdrop of Birmingham, Thomas and his pal James jump aboard an empty freight car rolling out of town.
Along the way, they encounter a new spirit of freedom and wantonness that once seemed forbidden for someone from their lowly upbringing. In the end, the pair are forever bonded over their shared secret of murdering vicious train magnate Sir Topham Hatt.
Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots
This is already a movie. Hugh Jackman was in it, and it came out in 2011. I will not be gaslit by Mattel into forgetting Real Steel.
Boglins
An aspiring bogologist will interact with the three newly discovered Boglins — Dwork, Vlobb, and Drool — in a way that is completely legally distinct from Warner Bros. and Amblin Entertainment’s Gremlins. Their antics, both charming and gross, will be markedly different from any and all Ghoulies or Critters as it pertains to the courts governing intellectual property laws in the United States of America.
Chatty Cathy and Wetsy Betsy
Think Midnight Cowboy meets Booksmart. Cathy is a struggling actor who must take a job as a sex line operator in order to support her down-and-out sister, Betsy. Betsy, an ailing gambling addict convinced that just one more big score can get her out of debt, convinces Cathy to blackmail her clients. Soon the two are pulled deeper and deeper into a seedy underworld, leaving Cathy to ask a mysterious drifter she meets at a bar, “Please take me with you.” They set off for an uncertain future together.
