In between all the family turmoil and corporate betrayal, the gang on Succession likes to have a good time. Because what’s the point of wealth if you can’t use it to pressure those around you into a demeaning competition where you make up all the rules? That’s what capitalism is all about.
So here are the best games from Succession ranked. Oink. Oink.
Softball, But It’s Really a Sad Prank on a Child
Despite everything that’s happened on Succession, all the detestable shit these people have gotten into, the pilot episode may feature the show’s lowest moment. And also its first bit of (not so) friendly competition.
During the Roys annual family softball game, the young son of a groundskeeper employed by the family is asked to step in and bat for a departing Kendall. Roman, ever a little shit, writes out a check and tells the boy he will give him $1 million if he scores a run.
This is a life-changing amount of money for the lad. He gives it his all, only to be tagged out at third. Roman rips the check up in the child’s face. “Here’s a quarter mil,” Roman says as he hands the child some scraps of the check. (This is mean but also a very funny joke, which I guess really captures the spirit of the show.)
But boo. Don’t be cruel to children. Speaking of…
I Went to Market
This titular game from the season one episode of the same name comes as the greater Roy clan are gathered for Thanksgiving. The challenge involves reciting the line “I went to market and bought…” followed by every item named by those in previous turns, plus an additional item of your choice. Of course, Roman uses this as an opportunity to get his loved ones to say something horrible, but the truly detestable act comes during Logan’s turn.
Still recovering from a stroke, Logan’s mental faculties have been questioned throughout the season as his son Kendall orchestrates a takeover of the family company. As you can imagine, a lot is riding on Logan’s performance in this simple child’s game.
Logan falters, failing to recall a single item listed by those who went before him. His young grandson, whom he had chastised earlier in the episode, informs Grandpa Logan that he has lost the game.
A frustrated Logan lashes out, hitting the small child with a can of cranberry sauce. Not good.
And boo. Don’t be cruel to children. Speaking of…
Dog Pound
This “game” remains a point of uncertainty, but it does explain a lot about Roman. During the events of Tom’s bachelor party, Roman tells a story about how when they were kids, he and his brother would play a game called “dog pound.” He claims that this game involved Kendall locking Roman in a dog cage and feeding him dog food.
Kendall is shocked that Roman now claims that they weren’t both in on the fun. Connor, the eldest sibling, agrees with Kendall’s memories of the childhood game. According to Connor, Roman loved being debased and would ask to play “dog pound.”
Oh, Roman. You never had a chance.
Monopoly
There’s one episode where you see them playing Monopoly. I don’t think I really need to explain the symbolism of this one. The subtext is very much text at this point.
Also, I remember the first time my dad and I played Monopoly with his new family. He and I had been through days-long Monopoly battles. These were wars of attrition, sprawling out over the living room floor. When we started playing with my stepmom and stepsiblings, they were shocked — appalled even — at the cutthroat tactics on display.
“Why are you doing all this?” they asked, not understanding that the trailer was now a killing field.
“What are you talking about? This is the game.”
I’ll never forget the words.
“You. Play. Mean.”
The United States Presidential Election
Yeah, this one is a bit disconcerting. One thing Succession does very well is show you how deeply influential a hulking multimedia empire can be in an American election, as well as how casual it all can be.
In the season 3 episode “What It Takes,” the Roys attend the Future Freedom Summit, which is pretty much where the conservative elites have gathered to pick their next presidential nominee. And it’s fucking scary. Justin Kirk is incredible as the far-right firebrand Jeryd Mencken. And this episode just demonstrates the power that money can buy.
Human Furniture
This one gets a big bump because it’s Tom and Greg. The lads are just doing it up. The Disgusting Brothers ride again.
Here we find them utilizing office underlings as human footstools. This comes back during a congressional inquiry.
I’d like to yield back the balance of my time to play this clip of the song “Have You Ever Been Furniture” by the incredible band Pissed Jeans.
Bitey
A latecomer to the field, Bitey is introduced in the final season episode “Living+” but damn is it so horny and simple and perfect.
Shiv and Tom are rekindling their dying marriage through rounds of schoolyard bullying. They’ve been thumping earlobes and calling each other names. But this shit was a-whole-nother level.
Crossing paths at an investors meeting, the estranged husband and wife begin to verbally spar. They discuss who wounded who the most as they weigh their pending divorce. Then Shiv mentions a little game called Bitey.
Bitey is a game wherein the two players bite into the other’s arm, and the first one to stop loses. These actors then play out this scenario in the sexiest way possible.
This is some great mainstreaming of vore culture, and I am all for it. Let’s chew it up. Speaking of…
Boar on the Floor
You knew there could only be one.
This is perhaps the most well-known “game” from Succession. Created by Logan and utilized to weed out those who might be undermining an important business deal and speaking with the press, the game involves singling out individuals and having them kneel on the floor and wrestle for stray sausages as they oink.
The best aspects of this game are people chanting “Boar on the Floor” and the fact that Logan admits that there are no rules. Because there aren’t. The lines on the road are just paint. Order is only what we agree upon. But we can’t even settle on how to handle Free Parking.
